A Guide To Using Secret Signals: Make Your Sub Obey You In Public

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Being a mistress or domme doesn’t often come with boundaries. Your sub doesn’t reach the threshold of the bathroom and declare himself in a ‘female led relationship exclusion zone’ if he wants to get away.

The domme and sub dynamic of a female led relationship is almost impossible to contain within the confines of walls, and white picket fencing.

There will be times when you are out in public, among citizens and strangers, or amongst friends and family. 

For many, they want their agreement of female dominance to encompass their time out, but it comes with an inevitable problem.

a view between mistress' jeans of males on a couch

Many in the vanilla world may not understand, and amongst friends and family, it can be loathsome to the point of rebellion to get a sub to openly be flaunted as submissive.

Some things in life are thought natural and can be hidden amongst acceptable behavior. A gentle femdom wife at a party, asking her husband to kiss her with a raised eyebrow, just looks to onlookers like a loving gesture. When the husband kisses her it looks like an affectionate act. Only the couple might know that he hates public displays of affection, and that raised eyebrow was a ‘do it or punishment will ensue’ look.

Or maybe among good friends at dinner, that same gentle femdom wife, puts a bit of food on her fork and politely asks her husband what he thinks of it. Only they know that he will do it, and will not refuse. Again a polite request, which is no request at all.

They are intuitive signals that look normal and your female led relationship can be kept private.

But the world is complex, and situations can be fluid and volatile. Simple intuition will sometimes not be enough to control a sub in public.

a group of young adults at a dinner party

So what do you do?

The answer is to have secret signals. Little prearranged comments or bodily actions that convey meaning. Subtle, easily disguised mannerisms that give an instruction for your sub to follow.

What Is A Secret Signal In A Female Led Relationship

Nothing too complicated here. It’s an instruction issued by the dominant female, whilst in public in order to convey a prearranged order.

They can come in many forms, either verbal, prearranged acceptance, or body language.

One isn’t necessarily better than the other but the implications are all the same, the mistress wishes some action to be taken by the sub and is conveying that through non-direct verbal means.

Why You Need Secret Signals

A female led relationship is a very private matter. It is also almost entirely misunderstood by those who do not participate in one.

There are many places where the public knowledge of such an arrangement might be detrimental, either professionally speaking or from within one’s own personal life.

a mistress in a red dress at the door

The subservient may be taunted, and the mistress may be thought of as cool if the arrangement were to be made obviously public.

A male subservient to his wife’s authority in private may hold authority professionally that would be diminished.

So secret signals between the dominant mistress and the submissive male are necessary in order for the female led relationship to continue outside of private arrangements. Being in the company of friends does not absolve him from his submissive duties.

Which brings us on to another question, how exactly do you convey all this stuff, and what exactly may you want as an instruction.

Some Secret Signals That You May Want

Often something simple like a raised eyebrow can be a secret signal. It’s not necessary to complicate it.

What it means is “do what I am asking”.

Now, there needs to be an understanding of the sub, from mistress here. She cannot go up to her husband at his works party and demand he crawl around after her. She will get a hard limit refusal.

a mistress in a white blouse

But often, a mistress can inflect the eyebrow to convey intent. Out shopping, she can ask politely if he hold her bag for a second while holding his gaze. It’s not a request, and they both know it. Maybe it’s just practical, while she picks up clothing items, but it can also be because he doesn’t like it and she is teasing him.

Even amongst friends, a look and a “could you get me another drink” is taken as the instruction it is. Punishments ensue for not doing what is requested.

Again, subtle and authoritative intuitively.

However, more often than not a signal needs to be sent where the meaning might not be clear or is immediately obvious. Ambiguity might be an issue for certain instructions.

So for that, you need a secret signal. A verbal or other code that relays mistress’ true intent.

So what secret signals might a mistress need, and why she might want them needs to be identified.

Below is a list of the instructions you may want to consider incorporating into your own female led relationship.

a mistress in white dress and stocking at outside table

Stop Talking – At the issuance of this command the sub is to desist from talking, or providing input. 

When the mistress senses that the sub is confusing matters, or just needs him to be quiet this order can be issued.

Or indeed mistress may not want a certain subject brought up, and issues this immediately to stop unwanted information becoming public knowledge.

In a certain setting like purchasing goods, mistress might be listening and the sub may be distracting what mattress wants to know, so issues the order so she can ask what questions she wants, uninterrupted.

At other times the mistress can do it so she can speak, or correct information in company.

Mistress has blanket authority to issue this command.

Personally, as a prearranged command, any mention of the throat, or the touching of the throat means to desist from verbal communication.

a mistress in a black dress in front of mirror

Start talking – Obviously, the order countermanding the above. Mistress is now letting you speak.

One thing to note here is that the sub should take into account what was happening at the time of the order to stop talking. If it was simply chatting to a stranger, then it may have been just because she wanted to make a point, but if it was in company, the sub should ask himself what was I talking about. Was I about to reveal something mistress didn’t want to be discussed. Safe to change the topic when you are permitted back to speak again.

Personally, this can be released by mentioning throat lozenges, an eyebrow inflection, or mistress asking a question that requires a verbal response.

If mistress says “So, what do you think dear?” she is relinquishing the sub from the order.

Permission to speak – Slightly different, in that it specifies permission to speak, but the sub is to avoid controversial topics.

This is highly useful for a mistress attending parties where they might not know many people, and her sub has some views that may offend others.

Religion and politics are to be avoided normally.

a mistress in a black dress at the door

Don’t agree to that – During the course of chatting, especially to friends and acquaintances it’s not unnormal to arrange or at least schedule an activity.

People talk, and people interact. Simple as that. 

Occasionally an idea about an activity will get floated, like being asked to go fishing next weekend, or would you both like to come round next Friday evening for a meal.

In the normal course of events you may pleasantly say yes, or look at each other, and say yes.

Well, for this mistress has a code. Maybe there is a word she doesn’t use very often, like awesome.

So if you are asked if you want a meal next Friday and your mistress says “that sounds awesome”, only you and she knows the true meaning.

Normally it means to think of an excuse and say we can’t make it. This allows your mistress to retain the high ground.

a mistress at a wine bar with sub

Change Topic – If you are talking and see this command, or indeed hear it, you are to change the topic rapidly, and not answer questions that follow up.

This is a way for a mistress to obviously stop unwanted information coming out, or to deflect from something she wishes to avoid.

Sometimes the submissive is starting a story mistress wishes not to be discussed. The submissive will obey the order, but others in your company might try and pry what you were going to say. The submissive needs to deflect unwanted follow-ups.

Butler request –  This is issued when she requires a quick, and simple attentive need, and often the eyebrow flick can do this, but a short phrase can have a similar meaning, as can say touching her watch.

It’s often accompanied with a suggestive action like wiggling an empty drinks glass or holding up her coat and saying “ I wonder where I should put this” (ie go and find a place for my coat)

Check phone – My wife and I have a very specific messenger app we use for her instructions. Sometimes what she wants to be done can’t easily be conveyed, and she needs a more thorough instruction.

She will thus type it out and send, but of course, you are not always checking your phone, especially in certain circumstances.

When my wife says “Did I just hear your phone go?” I can quickly get it out and check. I can make excuses if necessary, but the implication is clear. Read what I have sent you and do that ASAP unless otherwise instructed.

a mistress at a wine bar with sub

Ignore the politeness – When my wife says “if you don’t mind” in a sentence, I am to ignore the fluff, caveats, and politeness.

Typically it will involve stripping out the sentence to focus on the request contained within and obeying that.

So when my wife says;

“Oooh honey, there you are, meet Karen and Bob. I’ve nearly run out of wine and need another one soon. The bar looks a bit busy, do you think it’ll clear soon? I will leave you lot here chatting if you don’t mind”

I know to sort through that sentence and understand the instruction, which is she needs another drink and wants it now. There was a lot of fluff in there, but the instruction is clear.

“No need honey, I will get you it, I’ll be back in a minute – large white wine isn’t it?”

a mistress in public

I want to leave – This is the instruction to leave the current situation or environment. Issued by my mistress whether she has just bumped into someone she knows, or at a party and wants to go home.

Mistress could be with very good friends and doesn’t want to make it look like it’s her idea, so issues the instruction.

The sub must come up with an excuse, in order to look like she is complying but with reluctance.

Come and rescue me – Issued by mistress when she is in a situation she wants extracting from.

Whether she is with people at a party or caught talking to someone, she wants to be removed from her current situation, but not leave.

I am getting displeased – Either a visual signal (like rolling her tongue across her teeth) or a verbal signal (like – “that’s interesting honey”) that you are edging closer to something she wants you to address.

It could be what you are discussing or it could be something else that you are doing. If it isn’t obvious, message her and ask.

a mistress and friends watching

Come here – This is typically a visual indication as mistress and sub will be separated. If she catches you by the eye and scratches the top of her head, then she is ordering you to stop what you are doing, and attend where her location.

Often proceeds a ‘butler request’ type command.

This way she can summon you from the other side of the room, and make you go and get her a drink for example.

Attend – A simple signal to attend to the wishes or desires of another. 

If a mistress is talking and a friend of hers is finishing her drink and mentions it then mistress can instruct the sub to attend to the wishes of her friend.

Or anybody else, for whatever reason.

It’s not normally used to make the sub a butler to someone else, but mistress may just be wanting to appear gracious to other people.

Stop drinking – Often used if mistress senses that too much alcohol consumption is taking place. If the mistress wants the sub to slow down or stop she can issue this command.

The sub is no move to nonalcoholic drinks, or slow down the consumption and sober up a bit, whichever is prearranged.

a mistress with sub outside

Leave me alone – While in company together mistress can issue this instruction so the sub knows to politely extract themselves from the conversation and not immediately come back.

Simply, go and find something else to do. Maybe mistress just wants a bit of girly conversation, or to talk to somebody about something without the sub being present.

Bodyguard persona – Another quick and simple instruction that reflects mistress’ intent not to be disturbed if at all possible.

On entering a shop the sub can fend off unwanted attempts to contact, intercept salespeople and otherwise watch out for anything untoward, whenever she enters somewhere.

Basically, take care of people approaching me.

Back up my status – When you hear or see this the sub is to immediately agree with the mistress and come up with further points to enhance the argument she is making or make any all comments that support the direction of how she wants the conversation to flow.

Basically a listen in, and try and detect the conversational conflict and support the mistress, rather than what you might think.

It can be used to back up her abilities and professional outlook, or just she wants an argumentative backup.

Can often be used for fun, as well as in serious settings.

a mistress outside drinking from a glass

Act gentlemanly – Upon hearing the required common, the sub is to behave much more gentlemanly than normal. From opening doors, pulling out her chair, offer to get her a glass of wine upon request.

Anticipate her needs in the current context and attend to them.

Refusal to leave – a small instruction is she wants to keep you somewhere. In small parties, a mistress might issue as she doesn’t wish to be left alone, or for some other reason of personality that she feels like.

The sub isn’t to go anywhere.

Don’t contradict me – An issuance by mistress for the sub to remain attentive to what she is saying and not offer any direct comment that naturally conflicts.

If a stance has already been taken, then no further comment is to be made, and if you can extract yourself from something then backtrack and agree with the mistress.

a mistress with cleavage at a restaurant


To conclude, codes and secret signals within a female led relationship are a very personal thing, and every couple will have issues and specific requirements.

Maybe, you want to limit the behavior of a certain activity, like ‘rude joke-telling’ or something, and want a secret signal to tell him to stop doing that specifically.

There are probably loads that you could come up with if you wanted to be very specific.

Personally we use the app for that.

There are no general answers, everyone is different.

A few points are probably worth mentioning.

It can feel very self conscious the first time you endeavor to try secret signals whether you are instructing or you are the subservient and obey. It feels like the whole world knows what you are doing. Mostly the uninitiated to your arrangement will be completely unaware, no matter how self conscious you feel. It’s almost impossible to interpret correctly from a vanilla outsider.

Things that look very meaningful to you, can often just look very normal to other people. Over time, you will probably sense this as you gain experience.

If you both enjoy it, and nobody else seems to notice, then, quite frankly, nothing else matters.

  1. Roger

    Interesting post here! However, my mistress and I are of different nationalities (she Brazilian, me, USA), so different cultures have different meanings at times. The best method to combat misunderstanding is using non-verbal signals, like touching her throat to tell me to shut up or to speak up. Stroking her throat downward tells me to stop talking, while stroking upward, tells me to talk freely about whatever is being discussed.
    Looking at me and touching her shoulder means that she is ready to leave the situation, and I should get her coat and make an excuse to leave.
    Non-verbal signals that are prearranged are useful in parties and other mixed company.

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