OK, so your man has approached you and asked if you could be a bit more dominant.
He has alluded or directly asked for you to be the head of the household, and take control of certain aspects of his life and decisions.
This might be new to you, or it might not be, but to understand his desires and motivations for this, you will need answers to a lot of questions.
His reasons for wanting this can be deep, but ultimately he wants you to take control. He is giving you authority for tasks, rewards, punishments as well as pleasures and wishes.
He is telling you that he will enjoy pleasing you and succumbing to your orders and desires.
How this is to be understood needs to be explored.
I’m making the assumption that you know your partner, you understand a little bit more about him than most people.
You do not need to know his height, weight, or other irrelevant details. You want to know more about this side of him.
This is not meant to be an expansive list, indeed no list could be. You will know your partner well, and will thus know to add a question about a certain activity. It’s merely designed to give you a base with which to work on.
Getting some decent answers to these questions though, will give you a much better idea of motives, desires and what he may want.
Why does he want to give you control, and what he sees as your role, and what exactly does he give permissions for.
No doubt you are brimming with questions, so I have put together a small list of questions that you might consider getting him to answer. Feel free to copy / paste these into a document and get him to answer them.
Don’t let him just write yes, or no either. Tell him you want expansive answers.
After he has finished, you can read them and understand more about what you are letting yourself in for.
Alternatively, just go through each one, and ask him while talking to him.
Totally up to you.
This is a guideline for initially understanding, and not a script, feel free to ask, or follow up on anything you need to know.
Additionally if you are unsure, ask about a trial period.
What motivates you to want to be submissive? Explain why you feel the need to serve. What are your reasons for wanting to relinquish control?
What is your main interest in submission? Are they sensual and physical, psychosexual and mental or is serving a mistress something more to you.
What do you consider servitude to me? Explain what you mean by servitude? What are you proposing?
Give some examples of day to day activities you envisage. Give some explanation of a typical day or week. What would you like to receive? What do you believe I should get you doing?
How long have you been thinking about this? Describe the process of you asking me about this? What were you afraid of, and what concerns you?
Why would you like me to be dominant? You have a desire to be submissive, so why would you like me to control you.
When do you not want me to be dominant? In what circumstances would you prefer to not to be submissive (for example, with good friends we know)
What type of dominant do you want me to be? Would you like to relinquish control in the sexual arena, during roleplay scenarios or as lifestyle preferences change. Do you want more gentle caring female domination or an alpha female type.
A mistress should be the head of the household, so do you give me authority to run it as I see fit? Do you submit to be used by me to run the household. Chores will need doing, and tasks need to be done. I will allocate these as I see fit.
What do you give me permission to do? What do you give me authority over
How much leeway can I have? Describe to me what areas are not easily definable and what scope I have to operate.
Suggest a safeword for stop. Sometimes you will need something to stop immediately. Suggest a safe word for private, and one for public use.
Suggest a safeword for when your boundaries are about to be pushed. Inevitably I might overstep something that rules you, suggest word or phrase to use in polite company or private to let me know
What are definite things I should not do? What are your hard limits of never to be done activities.
Do you wish this to remain between us both? What issues do you have with this only remaining between us.
Household chores will need doing. Do you accept that I can use in any manner, and whenever I choose to keep the house functioning and the way I like it to run?
What tasks do you enjoy? What household activities do you prefer to do?
What tasks do you not enjoy? What are your lest favorite activities to do with the household?
Can I make you perform a task in any manner I choose? If I give you a task, can I make you perform it in any manner I desire. Can I dress you in funny or sexy clothing, indeed could I make you wash the dishes naked?
Can I make you perform pointless tasks? Are tasks with no real purpose acceptable? Can I make you count the number of granules in a coffee jar, or move a pile of rice from one place to another one grain at a time.
Do you accept that tasks have to be done to my satisfaction? Do you ultimately accept I have the right to inspect, criticise, or otherwise educate you on how I want something to be done? Do you accept that I am the jury on whether a task has been performed correctly.
What are your thoughts on rewards and punishments for household chores? Sometimes you will do well with a task, and sometimes you will not. What do you suggest for motivations and punishments?
Can I put you in female clothing? Do you mind the little things like wearing panties, or stockings? How far can I push this?
Can I regulate your hobbies and enjoyments? I may wish to treat you like a child, and regulate your normal enjoyments. Can I do this if you need to be punished, or as a threatened consequence?
Can I photograph or video you? What can I and what can’t I get you to do, and either video or photograph you doing?
Can I insult you if necessary? What words are you perfectly happy for me to use to describe you
Can I denigrate you? Can I get you to do things that override your self respect. Can I make you eat from a pet bowl, or use you as a piece of furniture for example.
Name the most depraved thing I may do to you. Give me a list of things and situations that you would not be prepared to do
What fetishes and humiliations can I try small and push more. Give me a list of activities that you don’t want to go full into immediately but would be prepared to try in small increments.
Describe things that would be too humiliating? What would you absolutely refuse to do
Describe things that you would do if I forced you. Give me a list of things you really don’t want to do, but would if I gave you a worse alternative that you feared but would do. For example would you get dressed in slutty female clothing if I threatened to stop you watching TV for a week if you didn’t?
Are public humiliations acceptable? Can I rebuke you in public, or in front of people we know. Can I tell strangers that I own you, or make you perform tasks to prove it.
Would you prefer if I didn’t humiliate you in public? Would you prefer if in public and friends I made no reference to your submissiveness. Can I use you in public as I see fit though. Can I make you perform tasks outside?
Can I treat you like a child, pet or subhuman? How frequent, and to what capacity can I do any of those.
How do you wish to address me? Give me some examples of respectful words you would address me as.
What words are acceptable to address you? What words or titles may I address you as, if you are disobedient or need chastising?
You will inevitably push boundaries, how do you suggest I deal with it? If you fail to perform a duty, or perform it badly, or late how do you suggest I punish you.
Describe your definition of submission to me. What does a submissive mean in your view?
Can I take away toys? Whether you like a gaming console, a smartphone or TV, can I take away privileges
Give me some descriptive words to describe how you would like me to act. Would you like me to be firm and fair, subtle, mockingly condescending, brutal, irrational, spontaneous, sadistic, uncaring, hypocritical? Give me some indication of how you like a mistress.
What are your known hard limits that you would like to maintain? Give me some idea of lines that are unaccetable to cross.
How do you wish to serve me? How do you wish to please me, what are you prepared to do that makes me happy and satisfied.
How forceful can I be? Some situations might require me to act forcibly to get things done. Can I grab your hair and locate you where I need you in the moment? Describe what circumstances and how much force I can use to get you compliant.
What things do you consider a reward? What activities would you like if I think things have been done well.
What activities would you like to be trained to do? Are there any kinks or activities you would like
Please add any comments you feel free to express. Here’s your chance to write anything regarding your submission, not explicitly covered in other questions.
Is inflicting pain acceptable? In general, do you accept that I can inflict pain for when I consider a punishment necessary?
Can I take an implement like a paddle or hairbrush and spank you hard? For when you have outright disobeyed me, I need harsh punishments. Is it acceptable to administer pain for disregard for my authority.
Can I slap you if you disobey or are confrontationally disobedient? For answering back, or when a sharp shock is needed, can I slap you?
Can I disallow you to watch a TV program? Is forbidding you from watching a TV program I know you like or not watching a sports game an acceptable threat of punishment?
Can I forbid you to go out with friends? For when I need to teach you a lesson can I stop you going out with friends.
Can I paddle or whip you? Is corporal punishment something I should entertain as a punishment?
Can I restrict access to parts of your lifestyle? How much leeway will you give me to restrict activities?
Can I use punishments to change behaviour? Whether it’s arriving on time, squeezing the toothpaste from the middle, can I physically punish you to make you learn the right way to do things?
Can I put you in chastity? For amusement or punishment, can I put you in chastity and retain the right to release when I choose.
Can I use your least favorite chore as a punishment? Can I use you to say, clean the oven, when I deem you need to be punished, or i am displeased with you. What sort of ‘crime’ would warrant this punishment.
Give me a list of things that you find acceptable as punishments. Give me as authoritative a list as possible to give me an idea of things you dislike to do. Mark each activity as light, medium, heavy, or severe.
Give me a list of activities that are not acceptable. Ultimately there will be activities that you will not do, and have a reversion to. What activities are these?
Are you masochistic? Do you get excited by the thought of your mistress either inflicting pain, or threatening to?
Can I control when you orgasm? Do I have permission to regulate your ogasms? Can I deny you masturbation, sex, or force you to ejaculate? Can I give you ruined orgasms?
Can I control all sexual activity? Would you let me initiate and control all sexual activity.
Can I control what you wear? Can I put you in any clothes I feel like in order to increase my sexual pleasure.
What do you consider light sexual punishments? How do I punish you
What do you consider medium sexual punishments?
What do you consider harsh sexual punishments?
What toys should we purchase? You will possibly need a paddle, a cane, a chastity cage, some rope, hand and ankle restraints etc? What should we be purchasing for both play activity and punishments.
Do you agree to let me wear something, like a certain ring, when I am in ‘mistress mode’? What are your thoughts on an item being on display to let you know you are not in control of the situation.
What are your thoughts on anal play. Can I insert plugs or toys into your anal area during play. Can I train you to take bigger plugs?
What are your thoughts on pegging? As a mistress, I may want to take you for my sexual pleasure. After I train you to take plugs, can I use a strapon for sex.
Can I use a chastity cage? Purely for sexual roleplay, are you OK with being in chastity?
Can I physically restrain you? Can I use ropes, shackles, or any means I deem appropriate to restrict your movements?
What are your most important kinks and how often do you need them? Give me a list of your fantasies and sexual kinks, with an expansive explanation as to why you like them. What makes them good to you?
Consumption of sexual fluids. Can I order you to consume either vaginal fluid or your own ejaculate? If not directly, then is diluted acceptable?
What sex acts are unacceptable to ask from you? What are your boundaries in this regard? Discuss any hard limits to what I can order you to perform.
If he answers all those questions with some informative answers, you will have a good idea of where to go with his submissiveness to move forward.
If you need further expansion, get him to further expand upon an answer. Let him know what you need to know.
Don’t let him make your authority too restrictive. You need room to dominate. Don’t let him include all kinks and things he would enjoy but remove all your ability to chastise, humiliate and punish.
If the worst thing he will let you do is lightly spank him. Then you do not have the ability to control his behaviour, nor correct activity.
Say so. Tell him you want more room to manoeuvre, and he MUST include things he would not enjoy, such as removal of privileges, or the ability to make him stand in a corner for a few hours.
Don’t let him dictate the terms, as a mistress you need some ability to punish his insolence or disobedience. You must have authority, even if you don’t intend to use it, to apply something he would not find enjoyable.
Trying to talk to your partner about the benefits of a female led relationship can be hard. Use this open letter to help or to prompt constructive dialogue.