This happens more often than most people care to admit.
A woman in a lasting relationship thinks she has most stuff figured out, and her male partner asks her to be a bit more assertive or dominant, possibly in the bedroom.
Curiously they can also be a little vague on the details and are leaving it to you to sort of ‘work out what they want’.
Suddenly she has a load of questions and no idea what to do.
Is this you?
Well, that’s what this article is about.
If you’ve been surprised by a male partner about trying to be more dominant and are a bit confused, then read on.
What Could He Mean?
Let’s start by answering the why.
Why has this suddenly come into your life?
Whilst there’s no substitute to asking him what he means, it’s also true that some men can be a little shy about what they exactly mean.
The probable truth is that he wants to inject a little uncertainty and introduce into his life an element he doesn’t want to be able to control.
We will go into this in a short while, but it’s nothing to be worried about.
Men can compartmentalize things and it’s often the case that men who feel in control want a natural counterbalance
In short, they want something that they don’t control. They specifically want the lack of responsibility and the deference to someone else in a particular area of their life.
The psyche is a weird and wonderful thing.
That doesn’t mean they won’t test and probe the power dynamic and psychologically speaking they will want you to stand up to them, but the basics are just a simple need for deference.
They have things under control and want something that they’re not in control of.
That’s where you come in.
Should You Be Worried?
As stated earlier, no, not really.
He doesn’t want you to change who you are, he doesn’t want a different person, you won’t have to jettison what you like about him or anything like that.
Nor is he asking you to fully control him, and treat him as you would a child.
It’s a simple psychological thing for him, and it’s not a failing on your part.
He is not dissatisfied with you as a woman, rather the reverse.
He wants to effectively recognize you as the ‘head of the household’ so to speak, and wants you to grow more comfortable with telling him what to do, what you want to be done, all whilst enforcing standards.
Enforcement isn’t all about corporal punishment, although it can be, just affecting compliance to your wishes.
Many women say they feel a sense of empowerment in line with his willing submission.
It’s that nature balancing thing again.
Why He Has Asked You
Simply put, you’re the person he trusts the most.
Men can put a lot of weight on their professional lives and like the counterbalance in their personal lives a lot of the time.
You are the person he is sharing his life with and feels comfortable opening up to you and admitting this ‘vulnerability’
Although he probably hasn’t put it like that.
My best guess might be that he has been somewhat vague about it.
If that’s the case, he’s hoping you pick up the olive branch, do some research, like the idea of bossing him around when you feel like it, and explore the new territory of a female led relationship.
An Educated Guess As To What He Means
It’s called ‘gentle femdom’ to many but the idea is you take an active role in the running of the household, in particular, run the house as you see fit utilizing him as a tool.
Your male partner is willing to become submissive to your wants, needs, and desires.
The most important point to note here is that he WANTS to be submissive and all that entails.
Where the limits of that lie are a personal preference thing, so again, if the idea appeals to you at a fundamental level, you will need to ascertain his preferences and areas not to tread.
More on that in a moment.
Traditionally, here’s what it may break down to –
Rituals – These are small actions and acts that you place upon him to perform.
Small duties if you will.
They aren’t inconsequential and you should derive them from your own needs and preferences.
Examples might be coffee in the morning, a foot rub in the evening, preparing the bathroom with candles, petals, and scents every time you want a bath, or just asking ‘do you desire anything from me today’ in the morning.
Think of it as simple servitude to your pleasures.
Chores – He possibly wants you to enforce some small chores around the house to do on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis.
The more it revolves around your preferences, the better.
The timely putting out of the garbage or he will be sent to bed early that night, or a fully cleaned bathroom by Thursday night or you won’t allow him out on his Friday night.
That sort of thing.
It probably sounds funny but he wants to equate a well-done chore with you allowing him a reward.
Kinks – This is his way of injecting a little fun and excitement into the request, for both of you.
This manifests itself in many different ways but he probably wants you to have a little fun at his expense.
Again, the key here is he will probably want this.
It’s all about emphasizing the power exchange. You’re in charge and he isn’t.
Think vacuuming naked, washing the dishes in female lingerie with you teasing him about it, or making him go to work with some girl’s underwear on.
Humiliation – This works for some couples but isn’t a must normally, but he should have no problem with you humiliating him a little if you feel the need.
Usually, it will need a reason and not just random cruelty.
Can work quite well in conjunction with training or punishment depending upon the task at hand.
If he’s late for a meeting with you or doing a task, then make him carry a clock round for the day.
If he is acting childish, give him a rattle and ask him to shake it for permission to speak,
That sort of thing.
Forced preferences – This is a nice way of saying occasionally he will want you to put your foot down and overrule him.
Or think about something you want and make him organize it.
It’s not about my way or the highway, nor is it about trampling over his every preference.
Something as large as where to go on holiday he will want equal input on, but smaller things he will be perfectly OK to share your stated preference, especially if it’s stated authoritatively.
So think along the lines of
- Take me to see the new romance movie later this week
- Don’t make any plans for Thursday – I want you to take me out for a Mexican meal
- Go get my bath ready – you know how I like it
- Organize a romantic night next Monday would you – I need some pampering
Enforcement of rules and standards – This one may be weird to get your head around but he will want some enforcement of rules laid down for him.
It’s a power exchange dynamic where it’s to prove you are in charge.
It doesn’t necessarily mean corporal punishment, but it could do.
There are plenty of low impact punishments to dish out, but he will need some sort of enforced boundary.
He will ‘likely as not’ test the bestowed authority and test it like he was a schoolboy, trying to get away with something.
If he gets caught then he will secretly want you to punish his behavior.
This includes the chores, he will want to see you satisfy yourself that the job has been correctly done and tell him to redo bits until you’re satisfied or issue a minor punishment.
And NOT to accept excuses blindly.
Small indiscretions might invite the removal of a privilege, like watching TV, but more serious ones might need something harder.
Either way, he will want your enforcement.
Guilt free selfishness – Whilst selfishness in real life is rightly treated with disdain, in a female led relationship it can simply be a way of emphasizing power.
Relationships are normally give and take, but with him wanting you to be more dominant, you can effortlessly put your own needs above his in small and subtle ways without complaint.
This can range from making him do some chores while you relax or go out, to making him learn how to give body massages and using him as a personal masseuse.
One that is often used is to make him give you oral sex until you’re satisfied without returning the favor.
Or even demand it as a weekend ritual.
Remember, and I stress this, he WANTS to see this from you.
First Things First
Assuming the above hasn’t scared the bejeezus out of you then the first thing to do is clarify the situation.
You can actually do this in a manner consistent with what he asked for.
Firstly, I’d suggest you read a Gentle Femdom 101 article that I wrote, that will help you understand the motives and roles a little better – it won’t be as scary as you think, I promise.
It’s also important to ascertain what he wants, and just as importantly, what he doesn’t want.
So, first, educate yourself on the possible benefits of a gentle femdom lifestyle by reading the article.
At the same time, why not give him a little of what he is requisitioning and throw in some information gathering at the same time.
Go to google and type in ‘BDSM checklist’, have a look around, and print out one that looks informative for you to interpret.
Get it printed out.
Now time for your first command.
You would need to say something to him like
“Keep Tuesday evening free as I have something I need you for”
On Tuesday evening pick a room with a desk, or at least somewhere to write, remove all the distractions of live TV remotes, phones, and ipads.
Get a blank sheet of paper and write “I want my partner to dominate me because………” (write 1000 words)
Sit him down at the desk, give him the checklist and essay, and tell him not to come out until he’s completed your tasks.
Leave him alone in his solitude with the tasks, and wait.
A Few Simple First Steps
Once you are armed with his answers you can digest his answers and try to think about how you feel.
You can then decide if you want to acquiesce to his proposal, or if the answers have put you off.
Maybe you want to dip your toe into the femdom water and see if it’s for you.
The beginning message to him if you are thinking about trying should be –
“ I am beginning – you are beginning – I will proceed forward at a pace that’s acceptable to me as I explore and learn about your submission. Agreed?”
You don’t need equipment to start, just a bit of enthusiasm.
So start thinking about rituals you want to impose on him.
What weekly chores should you give to him to make sure they’re done to your expectations.
Could you get him to learn skills that personally benefit you – a personal masseuse maybe?
Does he have any bad habits that you can now eject from his life?
Could he do with eating a few fewer calories, he will probably welcome your insistence on a calorie-controlled diet – maybe even forced exercise.
Clarifying what he means, what you’re comfortable with will come with some experimentation and experience.
There are plenty of relationships where the female dominant acts as a ‘caring and loving’ guide to their partner – maybe that appeals to you.
He Probably Means The Bedroom Too
I think there’s a good chance he will welcome some domination in the sexual arena as well.
Your mind doesn’t need to dart towards a professional dominatrix or anything – it’s probably simpler than that.
He could mean one of two things
That you should be unashamed about demanding your own pleasure, quite possibly utilizing him as a tool……
He wants you to boss him around in order to get your own pleasure.
His request for submissiveness is countered by he wants you to enjoy the sex more.
He is giving you the opportunity for guilt-free sexual pleasure.
While it seems weird it will satisfy that submissive need in him for your authority and dominance.
It might be as simple as picking something you want him to do, exuding some confidence, and issuing a command.
For a few ideas though…..
Collar and oral – Get him to dress how you want him, put a collar around his neck and clip him onto a lead.
Sit on the couch and on the lead so that as you pull the lead his head is pulled between your legs.
The message – You will stay down there until you make me orgasm, so get going as it won’t lick itself.
Pleasure slave – Tell him to prepare the bedroom for a romantic atmosphere, lighting, music, and scents. You can have a luxurious bath while he’s doing that.
After the bath, he will give you an oil body massage until you feel pampered enough.
When the message is completed, tell him to lie face up on the bed, straddle him and tell him to get licking until you orgasm.
The message – When I want you are a slave whom I will use as a tool for my own pleasures.
If your male partner has you to be a bit more dominant, this is about him becoming a little bit more submissive and you filling the power dynamic vacuum with increased authority.
Neither of you will have to change who you are, and you certainly won’t have to become someone else.
He is probably wanting an area in his life where he has no control, and wants you, the person he trusts most, to fill that void.
It’s rarely done out of selfishness and most men welcome seeing their female partners grow into the role and develop. Female dominance in a relationship should be thought of as arrows in a quiver.
You don’t have to use them all the time, the relationship can run along smoothly as normal most of the time, but it’s a useful tool to bring out, as and when you desire it.
It’s certainly nothing to be afraid of, and who knows, you may actually like the new power dynamic.
Trying to talk to your partner about the benefits of a female led relationship can be hard. Use this open letter to help or to prompt constructive dialogue.
Wow have just read this and is so true. I have been happy married for 23year and live in a femdom marriage and this must be the best explanation for what a man wants from an FLR.