The Art of Control: 9 Tips for New or Shy Female Dominants

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Starting a dominant role in a relationship can be a mix of excitement and nerves for many women.

While some people may dive in with ease, others may feel shy or intimidated by the prospect of taking control.

If you’re a new or shy female dominant, don’t worry – it’s totally normal to feel nervous about stepping into a new role that involves a level of control and responsibility.

The good news is that there are some practical tips and techniques that can help you feel more confident and empowered in your role.

So if you’ve been asked to be a bit more dominant and feel nervous or shy about it, then that would be normal, it’s something new.

In this article, we’ll explore some of the key strategies for new and shy female dominants to help you embrace your power and build a successful female-led relationship.

It’s meant to be fun, so there’s no need to be panicky, in most cases, you will have a willing submissive.

a female dominant pulls her submissives tie

Start Small and Build

When starting out as a dominant partner, it’s important to take things slow and not try to do too much too soon.

It can be overwhelming to take on a whole bunch of tasks or expectations right off the bat.

Instead, it’s a good idea to start with some simple rituals or tasks that your partner can do for you.

Things like making your coffee in the morning, doing the laundry, or organizing your schedule can help you feel more in control and establish a routine in your relationship.

As you both get more comfortable with these initial tasks, you can gradually add in more complex rituals or expectations.

But don’t feel like you have to rush into it!

Take the time to build up your confidence and skills, and communicate with your partner about how you both want to develop your dynamic.

Let them know that you’re starting small and building up, so they can feel supported and not overwhelmed by the new expectations.

a female dominant has her feet on submissives back

Get a Messaging App

If you’re feeling a bit shy or nervous about asserting your dominant role in person, using a private messaging app can be a really helpful tool.

It lets you dish out orders and expectations without having to confront your submissive partner face-to-face, which can be a lot easier to handle.

To get started, you’ll want to pick a messaging app that both you and your partner can use. WhatsApp, Telegram, and Signal are all good options.

It’s a good idea to use one that’s exclusively for the female led relationship, that way ‘texting accidents’ don’t happen.

Once you’ve got the app set up, make sure to talk to your partner about how you plan to use it.

Let them know they should check it regularly for messages from you, and make sure they understand that prompt responses are important.

Using a messaging app can also help establish a routine in your dynamic.

Regular orders and expectations can help your partner understand what’s expected of them, and help you feel more in control of the relationship.

Just remember to communicate respectfully and not use the app as an excuse to be abusive or disrespectful towards your partner.

a heel on the lips of a male

Use Standing Orders

Another great tip for new and shy female dominants is to use standing orders.

These are like default orders that are always in place, so your submissive partner knows what’s expected of them without you needing to constantly remind them.

For example, you might have a standing order that your partner is responsible for certain chores every week, or that they should always ask you if you want a coffee in the morning.

By having these orders in place, your partner knows exactly what they need to do without needing to be prompted all the time.

You can write these orders down in a book, on a piece of paper, or even save them on your phone or computer.

Just make sure that you clearly communicate the standing orders to your partner and that they understand what they need to do with the utmost clarity.

Using standing orders can help establish routine and consistency in your female-led relationship, which is important for both you and your partner.

a female dominant watches her submissive cook

Be Clear With Your Language

Another important tip for new and shy female dominants is to be specific and clear when giving orders to your submissive partner.

It’s important to avoid using vague language or anything that could cause confusion.

Instead, try to use simple, direct language to clearly communicate your expectations. For example, instead of saying “Clean the kitchen when you have some time,” be more specific by saying “Please clean the kitchen by 2 pm today.”

It’s also helpful to give clear instructions for specific tasks, such as “Fold the laundry and put it away in the closet by the end of today” instead of just saying “Do the laundry.”

By being specific and clear, your submissive partner will know exactly what you expect of them, which can help avoid misunderstandings and frustration.

Remember, communication is key in any relationship, and it’s especially important in a female-led relationship where power dynamics are at play.

So take the time to think through your orders and instructions, and be sure to communicate them clearly and respectfully to your partner. This will help ensure a healthy and happy dynamic for both of you.

a female dominant punished her submissive

Don’t Accept Excuses

One key tip for new and shy female dominants is to set clear expectations for your submissive partner and not let them make excuses when tasks aren’t completed as expected.

As the dominant, it’s important to establish that your orders must be followed, even if unforeseen circumstances arise.

For example, if you’ve instructed your submissive partner to have dinner ready by a certain time, they should plan accordingly and anticipate potential obstacles that could prevent them from meeting that deadline.

If they arrive late, even if it’s due to traffic or other delays, they should still find a way to get the task done on time.

By enforcing a no-excuses policy, you establish a strong sense of accountability in your relationship and ensure that your submissive partner takes their responsibilities seriously.

This can help build trust and respect between the two of you, which is essential for a healthy and successful female-led relationship.

However, it’s important to be reasonable and understanding when your submissive partner has legitimate reasons for not being able to complete a task, such as an illness or a family emergency.

a female dominant punished her submissive

Get Matters Revolving Around You

One important thing to keep in mind as a new and shy female dominant is that it’s perfectly okay to prioritize your own needs and desires.

Being a dominant doesn’t mean you have to cater to your submissive’s every whim – it means you have the power to make decisions that reflect your own preferences.

So, feel free to give orders that align with your own desires.

What this means in practice is that a new dominant shouldn’t look for things for the submissive to do for the sake of it, but utilize the authority to make the household run as you, as the dominant, prefer.

For example, you could instruct your submissive to wear a specific outfit, carry out a particular task, or engage in an activity that you find enjoyable.

If you think the dogs need a walk, then tell him to take the dogs for a walk, it a lot easier when you assess your own needs and let him fulfill them.

Don’t be afraid to assert your own preferences and make your expectations clear, as long as you communicate them in a respectful manner.

By prioritizing your own needs, you’ll be better equipped to create a fulfilling and enjoyable dynamic with your submissive partner.

a female dominant pulls her submissives tiea female dominant pulls her submissives tie

Use “I” Statements

One effective tip to avoid confrontation in a female led relationship is to use “I” statements when giving orders or expressing expectations.

Instead of saying “You should do this” or “You need to do that,” use statements that start with “I.”

For example, “I would like it if you could do this for me” or “I would appreciate it if you could take care of that.”

Using “I” statements can help to communicate your desires without sounding overly demanding or confrontational, and it allows for open and respectful communication between you and your partner.

Remember to use clear and concise language while using “I” statements to express your needs and expectations in a respectful manner.

Here are a few examples of how you can use “I” statements in a female led relationship:

  1. Instead of saying “You need to clean the house,” try saying “I would like it if you could help me with cleaning the house today.”
  2. Instead of saying “You have to do the laundry,” try saying “I would appreciate it if you could take care of the laundry this week.”
  3. Instead of saying “You should cook dinner tonight,” try saying “I would really enjoy it if you could prepare dinner for us tonight.”

Using “I” statements can help to establish clear communication and minimize potential confrontations in a female led relationship, while still expressing your desires and expectations as a dominant.

a female dominant rests on a leather chair

Practice Self-Affirmation

As a shy female dominant, it’s important to build your confidence and assertiveness.

One way to do this is through self-affirmation. Regularly remind yourself of your worth, power, and capabilities as a dominant. Embrace positive self-talk and reinforce your self-image as a strong and capable leader.

Here are some examples of self-affirmation statements:

“I am a confident and skilled dominant, and my partner respects and obeys my commands.”

“I am worthy of respect and obedience in my role as a female dominant.”

“I am in control of my relationship and set the boundaries and expectations.”

“I deserve to have my needs and desires fulfilled as a dominant.”

By practicing self-affirmation, you can boost your self-confidence, which will positively impact your ability to lead and assert yourself in your female led relationship.

Remember to believe in yourself and your abilities as a dominant, and let that confidence shine through in your interactions with your submissive partner.

a female dominant relaxes

Find Your Own Style

As a nervous female dominant, it’s important to remember that you have the power to shape your female led relationship according to your own preferences and desires.

Avoid feeling pressured to conform to preconceived notions or ideas from your submissive partner or external sources.

Instead, focus on forging your own path and establishing your unique style of dominance.

Here are some points to keep in mind:

  • Go at Your Own Pace: Don’t feel rushed or pressured to immediately acquiesce to the desires or demands of your submissive partner. Take your time to explore and define your own leadership style. It’s okay to set the pace that feels comfortable for you and your relationship.
  • Avoid Taking Other Ideas at Face Value: While it’s important to be open to feedback and suggestions, don’t automatically adopt ideas or practices that do not align with your own beliefs or desires. Consider them, but ultimately make decisions based on what resonates with you and your vision for your female led relationship.
  • Make Your Own Female Led Relationship Mantra: Create a mantra or guiding principle that reflects your values, desires, and intentions for your female led relationship. For example, “I lead in my own unique way” or “I shape my relationship based on my own intuition and preferences.” Use this mantra as a reminder to stay true to yourself and your own style of dominance.
  • Draw Inspiration from Life: Allow yourself to be inspired by your own experiences and observations in life. Embrace your own creativity and intuition in shaping your female led relationship. Don’t be afraid to break away from traditional or societal norms if it doesn’t align with your authentic self.

Remember, finding your own style in a female led relationship is a personal journey.

It’s okay to take your time, make mistakes, and learn as you go.

Stay true to yourself, trust your instincts, and forge forward in creating the kind of relationship that feels authentic and fulfilling to you as a female dominant. Your confidence and assertiveness will grow as you embrace your own unique style of leadership.

a female dominant has her feet kissed


Being a female dominant in a relationship can come with its own set of challenges, especially if you’re feeling nervous or unsure.

However, by incorporating the tips mentioned above, such as using “I” statements, practicing self-affirmation, and finding your own style, you can cultivate confidence and assertiveness in your role as a leader.

Remember, every female led relationship is unique, and it’s important to find what works best for you and your partner.

Don’t be afraid to experiment, make mistakes, and learn along the way. If you have your own tips or experiences to share, we’d love to hear from you! Leave your comments in the comment section below.

Embrace your power, trust your instincts, and continue to grow as a strong and confident female dominant.

You’ve got this!

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