In the world of BDSM, or femdom, or any type of female led relationship there is the understood power dynamic.
You have a mistress and a sub, at least in our case, and mistress has outright authority to deal with household, and other things within our lifestyle.
We have it settled, after many years of trial and error, we have found our way.
Yet we still have a standing order in place for the relationship. It’s not something I’ve heard discussed a lot, but we find it invaluable, both for communication and any changing needs.
It’s actually a phrase we borrowed from the military, who have an obvious and much needed command structure, and we have adapted it to our own use.
So what are we talking about here
What Is A Standing Order
A standing order is essentially a document. A document which we keep on google docs. My wife has the edit privileges and I have only view privileges.
Thus she can change it, but I can only view it.
It is not a mistress / slave contract. It contains nothing about preferences, or what hard limits are etc.
What is contained within the documents, are some bureaucratic stuff pertaining to the participants, chores lists, codes, and frankly anything my wife wants.
It is essentially, her ‘current orders’ and wishes put down on paper. It is what she wants done on a daily, weekly basis, but also anything she feels is necessary for me to adopt as a matter of course.
She also has some short codes in there and what those terms mean.
It is a blueprint for our female led relationship in document format. Hopefully as we show you a slightly tweaked version of ours, you will understand
It’s not legally binding or anything, it is just our attempt to formalise what is understood.
Who Benefits From A Standing Order
Quite frankly, everyone, however they are particularly good for a section of the femdom participants in the scene.
Shy – If you are new to femdom, then having standarding orders, can often take much of the confrontational nature of treating your sub, exactly like that, submissive. If you are new this can be particularly difficult for some.
Rather than issuing ‘I want a coffee’ commands and feeling awkward, you can just have a standing order in place. Every time you say ‘I’d love a coffee about now’ he has a standing order to know what that means. In literal form you can make an explanation of exactly what you mean by it, and include standards.
Nervous – A nervous female can also make good with the use of standing orders for the same reason.
Public femdom – Many participants in the world of female led relationships, like to keep it private, as such standing orders can mean the issuance of certain phrases or signals to mean different things.
Ease – Frankly they are also easy to use, and mistress can make changes to how she likes things done quickly and easily, and then just inform me of the change. She can add things and take away things at will.
How A Standing Order Is Used
While there is no set way, it’s up to each individual couple to come up with what works for them.
As mentioned earlier, the mistress creates a google document and then shares a link with view privileges only to me. I can’t edit it.
We have an agreed upon set of rules, that are documented here, so it’s not needed every day, and frankly, it can be a while before I get told something has been added, or taken away.
However, I will be familiar with the contents on a day to day basis.
The instructions contained within, are my defaults orders so that every week my wife does not have to tell me to clean the bathroom. It is in the standing orders.
They are orders from her that stand without her having to say anything. She doesn’t need to tell me to weekly ‘thoroughly clean the bathroom by Friday’. The order is already there. If it’s not done, either attempted or to her standards I have failed.
The Constituent Parts We Use In Our Standing Order
Rather than explanation, I thought I would demonstrate. I have taken our standing order and although tweaked it a little, put it up here so you can see what one is. By example I am hoping the intention becomes clear.
This section pertains to the two participants in this relationship, to which all instructions refer.
Hereby, the title of ‘mistress’ is given to ‘Clare Dirk’ (email@example.com).
The title of ‘sub’ is given to ‘Peter Dirk’ (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The mistress is the commanding authority over the sub. Mistress has duties, responsibilities, personal tastes that she takes ownership of. The mistress may command the sub in any manner agreed upon within the mistress / sub contract.
Mistress may set tasks and standards, as well as appropriate orders however mistress deems fit. The factors are to include, but not limited to, performing tasks, chores, behaviour, and attitude.
Mistress may dish out punishments, humiliations or rewards as agreed upon.
The sub is subservient to the mistress. The mistress may command the sub, give instruction, and take control of agreed aspects of the subs life.
The sub must perform any task within a timely manner, assuming no time order has been given.
The agreement between mistress and sub is formally agreed to include the following arrangement.
one) this agreement expires on 31st December 2021
two) mistress is to be given the role of commanding the household. Within the property, the running of the household is the exclusive purview of the mistress.
three) the mistress holds the right to withdraw and add to this document, but must inform the sub when having done so.
four) the sub agrees to keep himself apprised of the rules within this document.
five) the sub understands that these are not the only orders he must follow. Mistress can arbitrarily alter or supersede any instruction so written in this document.
Anything contained within the following document is to be considered the words and wishes of the mistress. The sub is to treat all following requests as if they directly came from the mistress verbally.
They are a set of instructions and standards that are to be applied no matter the circumstances.
‘Mistress mode’ is used below to denote when heightened attention by the sub is required. The sub is to treat even casual requests as orders. On a day to day basis mistress will require, banter, general conversation and general male/female interactions. Any instigation of ‘mistress mode’ that changes. The sub is to pay close attention to what is being said.
The following is expected from the sub when under ‘mistress mode’ (private).
- Immediate attention
- Order following without question
- Only clarification, preferences or utterances of compliance are allowed
- Mistress should be referred to as mistress. Casual names are to be dropped
- The sub is to treat mistress with the greatest respect at all times
- When not immediately tasked with something the sub is await orders
- When finishing an instruction, the sub is to approach mistress and ask if there is anything else further required
- The sub is not to maintain eye contact
- The sub is to have his head bowed slightly when standing waiting
- When mistress is speaking the sub will not speak over mistress
- The sub must immediately desist from talking if mistress starts to talk
The following is expected from the sub when under ‘mistress mode’ (public).
- Immediate attention
- Ignore casualty and politeness with respect to what mistress is requiring
- Ignore provisos and caveats with respect to what mistress is requiring
- Listen very tentatively to what mistress is saying
- Within phrases will be instructions – listen for them (mistress will inflect tone)
- Immediately default to not being allowed to speak, unless I ask a question of you
- Don’t speak over mistress, if mistress speaks the sub is to immediately desist from his sentence
- Avoid controversial topics
- Check the messaging app more frequently to see if mistress has sent more detailed requests
This section pertains to a list of chores to be undertaken by the sub on a daily basis. They must be done by the stroke of midnight for the next day.
The sub may ask for extension when reasonable grounds might expect one to not be able to complete the task (for example, an after work party when mistress and sub are attending).
one) the subs clothing must be kept tidy at all times. Coats, and jackets must be hung up, and no clothing items are to be left discarded when used. Used underwear must be put in the hamper immediately.
two) the kitchen dishes are to be cleaned. No dirty plates, cups, or cutlery is to be left uncleaned overnight. Washed but drying is fine.
three) the sub is to maintain a discreet watch on household consumables, to include milk, orange juice, butter, bread, coffee, sugar, toilet roll, cleaning products and washing up liquid. We are never to run out of these items, and maintaining stocks is the responsibility of the sub.
four) the sub is responsible for making sure mistress’ work clothes are laid out on the desk for work the following day. Mistress will occasionally just place the items on the desk she wishes to be properly laid out.
The sub is also to ensure the mistress’ work shoes are both cleaned, and lightly polished and placed near the desk every night.
The sub is responsible for making sure all items necessary for work clothing are located near the desk so the mistress can dress quickly in the morning.
Not only are all items to be laid out but inspected for cleanliness, or otherwise noteworthy marks or imperfections.
Of particular note
- A white blouse, unless otherwise instructed is to be hung up near the desk.
- Some basic undergarments are to be selected and laid out.
- Skirts are to be placed in a hanger overnight and made sure they are without creases
- In general the sub should make sure there are no creases formed in mistress’ work clothes, nor are any tights ripped or marks obvious to the eye
five) On weekdays the sub is to check the messaging app in the early morning when awake, at midday, just before he drives home and before he goes to bed. On the weekends, the sub can check the app at appropriate junctures through the day, but must be at least in the morning, the afternoon and the evening.
six) the sub is responsible for the mail collection and dissemination. All mail must be collected and placed into one of two piles. One for the sub, and the other for mistress. Any mail denoted as occupier, will be placed in the pile for mistress.
This section pertains to a list of chores to be undertaken by the sub on a weekly basis. They must be done by the stroke of midnight of the Sunday of the week. A week is considered Monday morning to Sunday late evening.
The sub may ask for extension when reasonable grounds might expect one to not be able to complete the task (for example, fixing the guttering when it is raining all the time).
Note: the following chores, the sub must text his mistress his time and intention to do it, or otherwise in person let the mistress know when the tasks below will be performed. The sub is to similarly text the mistress that he has completed the task. Mistress may then make an inspection if the mistress so chooses.
one) the main bathroom is to be cleaned by the Friday of every week. By Saturday morning the bathroom is to have been cleaned. The sub is to clean the bath, surrounding tiles, all taps, shower head, sink units, and the toilet and cistern. The trash bag is to be emptied and a new liner replaced. The bathroom should smell fresh and clean when finished. All hairs and traces of dirt are to be removed, and toilet roll restocked to last the week. The lino is to be wiped spotlessly clean, Mistress’ standards are high on this particular chore. To reiterate, no dirt is to be found anywhere.
two) the mistress’ vehicle is to be cleaned, both inside and out thoroughly so the mistress has a clean vehicle for the start on Monday morning. The outside is to be washed, soaped and cleaned of dirt, and the interior vacuumed and the dash cleaned and polished. The windscreen is to be kept clear and the sub is to make sure all fluids are topped up. All items so found can be placed in the trunk.
three) the sub is responsible for the lawn being kept tidy and neat. At the start of each week the sub is to ask the mistress if the lawn needs mowing this week. If the mistress responds to the negative the sub is to wait until next week before asking the question again. If the mistress replies in the affirmative, he has till late Sunday to complete the task. Additionally the front and rear garden are to be kept free of clutter and debris. The sub assumes responsibility of making sure this is so.
four) the sub is responsible for all the trash in the house and its disposal. Any trash bin must be emptied and placed in the garbage well before overflowing, and new liners replaced. The sub is also responsible for taking the garbage out for collection day.
Task Issuance / Compliance
This section pertains to the priority of orders.
During the course of daily life it is noted that with a female led relationship, especially with company there is scope for error. The following phrase utterances are intended to allow mistress to go into and out of ‘mistress mode’
What am I in the mood for – This is a phrase to be used by mistress to emphasize when she wishes to be in ‘mistress mode’. The sub is to immediately respond with ‘what do you require mistress’. Mistress mode requirements are listed above.
Not in the mood for anything – Mistress will use this to negate ‘mistress mode’. Normal functionality can resume.
The mistress is to take control over improvement of the sub, where she deems it fit.
She is responsible for the subs attitude towards others, and is allowed to use corrective behaviour to change the sub.
The mistress will take note of the subs hard limits, and respect the use of the safe word.
Mistress is to be responsible for the running of the household in all aspects. She may task the sub as she sees fit in accordance with her responsibility.
Mistress may task the sub for household duties, personal chores, to run any errands and any task that suits her needs.
This section pertains to the governing rules of conduct for the sub. They are not task orders, but instructions of acceptable behavior deemed so by the mistress.
The sub is liable for appropriate punishments by the mistress if any of the following are found to have been violated.
one) when using the toilet the sub is required to leave the bathroom having cleaned the toilet seat and bowl for next usage. It must be left in an acceptable standard for another user. The toilet seat itself is to be cleaned and left in the down position after use.
two) on work days, the sub will text mistress before the journey home to enquire if anything needs to be purchased. The text must be sent at least an hour before the journey home to give mistress adequate response time. If no response arrives, the sub may assume that nothing was needed.
three) the sub must keep an adequate stock inventory of ‘wine x’ and ‘wine y’ in the household at all times. Mistress requires a minimum stock level of 2 for wine x, and 3 for wine y.
four) the sub is to keep a watchful eye on the fuel of the mistress’ vehicle. It is not to fall below half on the dial. The sub assumes the responsibility of not only checking but refueling the vehicle. The sub must inform the mistress when he will complete the task of refuelling, and again, inform the mistress when the fuel tank has been filled.
five) the mistress will request a coffee whenever she is in need of one. The sub is to assume the responsibility of making all of mistress’ coffee, unless otherwise stated. The sub will make sure that the required ingredients, coffee, milk and filtered water are always present in the house. When the mistress mentions the need for a coffee the sub is to assume the task immediately. The sub is to stop what he is doing and make his mistress her required coffee.
six) the sub should monitor the messaging app designated for instructions or orders.
This section pertains to phrases that will be used by mistress. When the sub hears them it is expected that the sub will have read the true meaning of such phrases and understand their meaning and intent.
Now would be good – When the sub hears this the sub is to stop the current activity immediately and urgently perform the proceeding instruction. This sentence is intended by the mistress to end any debate or hesitation. The only acceptable responses from the sub are for clarification, preferences, or utterances of compliance.
This section wholly deals with mistress’ orders and demands when outside of the home abode. It is not limited to ‘in company’, just merely outside of the primary residence. The front garden and rear garden are considered public areas where this applies.
These orders are to include being in the company of friends, and family no matter where we are.
If you don’t mind – Mistress will use this when in company. When the sub hears this the sub is to understand that the sub is to ignore all the caveats, polite requests or provisos with the order. The sub is to extract the instruction contained within the phrasing, and carry out the instruction immediately. The only acceptable responses from the sub are for clarification, preferences, or utterances of compliance.
Did I just hear your phone go – When the sub hears this phrase, the sub is to understand to check the messaging app. Mistress intends this phrase to be used to give you a secret instruction. The sub is to quickly check the app for what the mistress is requesting be done. The word immediately will be texted for the instruction to be implemented right now.
Is your throat less painful today – Any mention of a throat being painful, or reference to it is to be taken by the sub to desist from speaking. It is intended by the mistress to stop the sub talking immediately. The sub is to not initiate any further conversation, and there’s no time limit. The sub must wait for the countermanding instruction (below) before resuming any vocal transaction.
I should get you some lozenges – Mistress is now allowing you to speak, after forbidding you from doing so. The sub should take into account what was being discussed at the time the silence order (above) was given and refrain broaching the topic at all.
Oh honey, you really shouldn’t – The sub is to understand that mistress is displeased by the current course of events, and the sub should alter the course immediately. Current topics of conversation, or actions are to be immediately shut down or altered. The sub is not to be allowed to be coaxed into revealing any further details.
Agreed signals in public
None at the present time
Under this mantle, sexual matters pertain to all acts of intimacy and physical contact.
It is noted that the mistress may initiate sex whenever she so pleases. The needs of the mistress are unrestrained, and contain no limits.
She can instruct the sub to perform anything she so desires.
Mistress can wear whatever clothing she so desires
Mistress can instruct the sub to either wear, or remove any item of clothing when she wants.
Mistress has the authority to use restraints
Mistress has the authority to direct the subs actions
Mistress can humiliate the sub during sex
Mistress can use sexual acts to humiliate the sub
Mistress can request that the sub seeks permission to ejaculate.
The sub must ask permission before trying to initiate any sexual activity.
Mistress is under no obligation to return a sexual favor to the sub (example – mistress is perfectly entitled to ask for oral pleasure, but not perform the act)
It is noted that the subs body is under the control of mistress
The sub will do as mistress requests to the best of the subs ability.
This section pertains to things said by mistress and their intent to be undertaken
Me time – the act of sex is to concentrate purely on the pleasuring of mistress. The sub is not to perform any acts of pleasure himself, and purely concentrate on making mistress come.
Sexpot – The sub is to relinquish all rights. He must become sexually compliant immediately.
Go for it – This phrase by mistress is intended to release the sub from all constraints by mistress. For the duration of the sexual encounter all obligations of servitude to mistress are null and void. To reiterate, the sub can act in a masculine way and disobey any order by mistress, but only during the sexual encounter. Once it ceases the sub reverts to the obligations placed upon the sub.
So there you have it, that is a pretty close copy of the standing orders that are operational in our relationship.
It works for us.
I have changed some details, and added a few to make points more clear. The standing order works in conjunction with our contract that gives the mistress her tools for rewards, punishments and humiliations.
Again, this isn’t intended to be a proper legal document, just a clear and concise set of instructions that work for how we operate.
With it my wife can go a whole week or so, without ever having to go into issuing instructions. I know what I have to do on a daily, weekly basis.
It also nicely allows my wife to use a phrase and get a whole lot more attention from me.
It’s not meant to be kept secret, so feel free to copy, alter, add and delete what you feel works for you.