If you are new to the whole BDSM scene, and find yourself having been asked to be a domme, then you no doubt have an absolute ton of questions and apprehensions.
What do I do? How do I do it? Where to begin?
While there’s no easy answer to that, as everyone is different, every situation is different, there should be a rough guided situation for you to follow.
Not a blueprint per se, but a set of steps, that might make it easier to find your own feet.
What I have constructed below is set of stages that take things very slow, and allow you to begin the process of being a mistress.
In short, it starts with gathering information, allows discussion, sets very realistic goals, and moves forward at a pace that shouldn’t be problematic. After a month or so, you will start to find your feet, but at the beginning it can often be a bit directionless.
Your experience and confidence will grow.
A secondary purpose is to make things easier for you, and regulate as well as confirm compliance from him.
This is your chance to see if this will work. Don’t let him dictate things. He wants to see you stand up and take a little control.
Table of Contents
Step 1 – Gather Information And Practice Some Authority
As a first step, you need to gather information. The very first thing you should tell him, even if you haven’t made up your mind how far you want to take this, is to find out what he wants.
Give him a time and date, tell him not to be late, and go through our list of questions for him.
Feel free to copy and paste it into another document, add a few questions, or remove a few and give him, say 3 days to turn in his homework.
In fact, treat it just like that, home work from him. Give a very firm time you require it completed. You want expansive answers that ‘flesh out’ his thoughts, not just a simple yes or no.
The reason you want to give him a few days is you have some reading, thinking and practice to do.
Here’s a few things you might want to think about
Think up a duties list – Draw up a list of tasks he is to perform on a daily and weekly basis. First list all the household tasks that need to be done, and then assign him some. Don’t go overboard, just a list of tasks that he would not normally do. Daily tasks might include, making sure there are no dirty dishes by midnight, or making you a coffee for your evening meal. Weekly tasks might include, taking the bins out, making sure the bathroom gets thoroughly cleaned, mopping floors or vacuuming curtains.
Make sure they are simple and easy to do, as well as not too numerous. You don’t want to overload him at the start.
It’s a good idea to throw a small kinky one as well. Think clean your vibrators, giving you a foot rub, washing your sexy underwear by hand or giving you oral.
By the end of the 3 days you should have a small list of things to explain to him he must do in his own time, but when he has completed them he must inform you so you can inspect his work.
Practice firming up your language – If you know your partner well, and were brought up properly, you will likely be treating him with respect. While this is still the case, a mistress must have a natural authority.
In short it is a good idea to drop the caveats, prequalifiers and gratitude from your language. Although, do what’s comfortable for you.
Take asking for a cup of coffee as a simple example. There are many ways to do that in normal daily relationships.
Would you make me a cup of coffee / when you have a minute, can I have a cup of coffee please / next time you’re in the kitchen…. / I’d love a cup of coffee if you could make me one / I’d be grateful if you could make me a cup of coffee /
You get the idea.
Practice dropping the ‘shoulds’, ‘could you’, ‘please’ etc from your language, as it needs to sound not so much a request but an obligation for him.
Instead try phrases like
I require a cup of coffee in the next 10 minutes
If some of those still sound a bit like orders that you are uncomfortable with initially, you can always pre qualify it with ‘firstly’, or ‘before we begin…’.
As in;
Firstly, I require a cup of coffee
Before we move on, I require a cup of coffee
Additionally learn to drop the thanks you and please. If he needs recognition, just mention that it is a good cup of coffee.
Words and phrases that add more authority to your requests are;
I need a …..(not I desperately need …)
I want you to (Firstly, I want you to clean up the kitchen sink.)
You will first take the bins out
You must wash up the dishes before …
What I require you to do is….
Firstly, finish doing the …..
I think you get the idea. Make it less of an option with caveats, clauses and gratitude.
As a side note learning to effectively deal with sideways pushes from him that are essentially a move designed to push boundaries and scope what can be got away with need to be addressed.
If you request a coffee and you get a ‘in a minute, or I’m just doing something, or ‘can it wait till after, the game will start in a second’ then politely being firm needs to be practiced.
Assuming it isn’t a viable excuse then learn to rebuff firmly.
Try;
No, I meant now
I wasn’t looking for excuses
I’m not looking for delays to my request
I did not say ‘in a minute’. I meant stop what you are doing and …
Then you’d better hurry up before you miss anything.
Do you think your mistress wants to wait on this request
Do you think your mistress wants to be kept waiting
Practice in the mirror if you must, or try it out while browsing the shopping malls. Eventually you will be a little more comfortable with it.
Think about a skill you need from him – Think about a skill he could learn that would benefit you. There’s multitude of options but it should be learnable with effort. Guitar making might be a bit too much but online research and paper writing might be fine. It might be fun for you to get him to learn some topics and summary it in a paper for example.
Tasks you might want him to be proficient in are massage, repair, any skill you could make money from or anything useful to you.
Alternatively pick one of your hobbies and think what skill you might need to make it better. Army cleaning standard for shoes, or bike repair if you cycle.
The skills must also be for your benefit, not his. Or shared. Think about a skill you need him to acquire FOR YOU, and you alone. He will actually want to do this surprisingly, so make use of it.
Additionally you could think of a kinky one if you want to, like maintaining and trimming your pubic hair or learning to make paddles.
Draw up a few appropriate rules – Take the same time to think up some rules that you are comfortable with. While he is writing out his thoughts, you probably want to do the same.
What exactly are you comfortable with? What boundaries do you want? He may want some things you don’t want to do. He needs to know that.
Go through the questions yourself and make notes. How would you prefer to be addressed?
You will need to translate these to some ground rules for him.
Such as;
When mistress is speaking you are to listen and not interrupt
No contradicting or disobeying during the trial period
What do you want to be in mistress mode – only inside the house, or in public also
Mistress must be respected
Text me before leaving work to ask if he needs to do anything on the way home
During the trial month, I will be finding limits of what I am prepared to do
What should he be punished for – insolence, disobedience, tardiness, acting like a child
What should he be humiliated for – amusement, acting like a child
Sexual activity will only be initiated and acted upon by me
Read, read, read – Get as many books and read as many articles as you like to get familiar. It’s a great thing to learn, and he will see you reading it, but keep what you are learning from him. Let him find out in real life.
Learn authoritative body posture – It’s probably just a human thing, but authority comes from self respect and standing like you are not afraid of the world goes a long way to conveying.
Don’t slouch when you are giving commands, learn to stand upright and proud. Giving clear and concise instructions helps convey depth of authority.
Step 2 – Discussion
While you have been practising being more authoritative, he should have filled out the questions for you to read.
Make him hand them over and go through it.
For a little bit of drama, lock yourself away in a room and forbid him to enter. Take your time, and try and understand what he is asking for.
Be like a teacher marking a child’s paper. Cross out bits you don’t like, question mark things you don’t understand.
Mark where you need him to expand his details. Write questions by the side.
When you have finished, sit him down and go through the paper. Get him to verbalise what he means. Say something like ‘OK, I understand what you mean here now’.
When you have finished get him to write out and expand exactly what he leant on the bits you didn’t understand.
Additionally get him to write out 1000 words at least describing his best fantasy in a BDSM scene.
Then go for the final discussion and set out what you think about it. Tell him what you will do and what you will not do.
Think about whether he has taken away your authority, and put in too much pleasure
Tell him you will not tolerate it all his own way. No ‘light spankings’ for complete insolence. You need serious punishments at your disposal. Things he will genuinely not want.
Show him your rules and give him ways to address you etc.
Then tell him his daily and weekly duties as you start this trial run. Show him what’s expected of him and tell him you are to be notified when he has completed a task so you can inspect if necessary.
Go through the punishments that are available to you.
Get him to keep a daily journal for the following month. Tell to make daily entries with how he feels about things. You will read it every weekend.
Get him to think about something he wants to change about himself, weight loss is a good one, but he can come up with any improvement he wants.
Step 3 – Get A Duties List Up And Set Small Rules
Armed with knowledge about how he wishes to work, the first thing you need to do is get a list of chores he needs to do.
Make a daily duties list and a weekly duties list.
The key here is not to make it too complex, and time consuming. It should be almost no effort for you, and extra duties for him.
Start off small and manageable.
Some small daily duties might be;
- Make sure there are always 5 litres of milk in the fridge. NEVER let it run below
- Clean my works shoes every evening
- Daily servings of tea/coffee/alcoholic drink
- Keep all my electronic devices fully charged overnight
- Do daily Kegel exercises
- My laptop is to be cleaned each day
- Make sure the bed is made before I enter
- Clean all kitchen countertops
The weekly duties are given a time and need inspection. He is to tell you when he is going to do the tasks, and crucially, when they are completed.
Initially start with simple things like
- The bins need to be taken out
- The bathroom needs cleaning thoroughly
- The dogs need taking for a 5km walk
- My car is to be meticulously cleaned
- Plan and make a date night special
- Dust all the household blinds
The same goes for rules, start small and easily adhered to but respect your authority. Such as;
- You should not begin eating your meal before mistress starts hers
- Eating cakes and sweet treats you must ask for permission
- During a favorite TV program he is to put his hand up to speak
- He must ask to perform a foot rub every evening
- All drinks will now be prepared by the submissive
It’s actually quite good to include a kinky one, or two as well. Take from his list of likes, and any previous knowledge, but a few might be
- Clean my vibrators every day
- Hand wash my underwear for the nest day with the softest conditioners
- Weekly you will trim and shape my pubic hair
- Thursdays are now naked Thursdays. You will do a chore naked.
- Vacuuming will be done in a french maid outfit
- You will wear bra and panties underneath when we go shopping
- At weekends you will wear a garter belt and stockings to sleep in
Start thinking about routine for his improvement in an area. If you think you can get away with it, demand you want a leaner, fitter healthier slave.
Mention that you will need to practice your art of being a mistress and will use him to practice.
Step 4 – A First Week Trial
So, you should now be ready to start a trial. You have a wealth of new information, some guidelines, rules and he has a set of tasks to do.
As well as timelines.
Make sure you inspect his work. Don’t let him ust do things without your approval.
When he tells you a task is completed, tell him he better be sure as you will check in 10 minutes.
Inspect the work with a critical eye. Point out where he hasn’t done things, and get him to redo anything you feel hasn’t had 100% effort.
Don’t give him too many chances, he will feel like pushing boundaries maybe. Threaten a punishment if necessary.
At the very beginning you will both be trying to find the line where co-existence lives. He will likely try and get away with slightly less than satisfactory work, so power moves slightly in his favor.
Do NOT PUT up with this.
Tell him about any unsatisfactory work.
Threaten a punishment if it is not done correctly. Let him know you mean business. Follow though as well. He may be trying to test you.
He will probably give excuses, but stay firm. Remember, he has asked for this. He wants you to show some backbone.
Do something simple if he pushes you too far. Try;
- Making him stand in a corner for an hour facing the wall
- Take his phone / ipad away for a day
- Send him to bed early
Again, remember, he wants you to stand up to him, despite what he says.
Alternatively, if he does a good job, say so. Tell him if he keeps this up you will consider a reward for him.
So the first week should be a few daily chores for him, some weekly chores with you inspecting his work.
At this stage there’s no need to throw in any spontaneity, unless you feel like it. Go at the pace that suits you as a mistress.
You might have made him go to work one day in some silky panties for amusement, or had him trim your pubic hair for a bit of dominant kink, but largely he should have done most of the work, and relieved you of a few workloads.
This is a good start.
Earlier, you will have asked him about something he wishes to improve about himself. It could be a habit he wants to break, it could be a habit he wants to break, or most likely it will be some skill or activity designed to improve himself.
Let’s take weight loss and getting fitter as an improvement goal.
You will want to work on a routine to give to him. The routine is up to you, the goal has been given by him.
Come up, or start thinking about with the improvement routine that satisfies his goal. Again start small, with nothing huge. As you gain confidence you can up the ante.
A few things may be
- I will dictate portion sizes
- You will message me if you ever want to eat anything
- Twice a week I will make you walk to a landmark and back (photo to prove)
- Every morning you will do 5 press up and kiss my foot each time
- I will make you do random press ups and sit ups in the day
- Every sunday we will measure your weight
- There will be punishments for not losing weight.
Step 5 – Discussion
This his opportunity to express how the first week has gone, what you have done and
Additionally you can chat openly about how you feel, how you have dealt with it.
You can additionally present him with your routine for him for his desired goal. You can be a little more forceful with this. This is the first time you might have come up with something that he had no direct involvement in, other than the goal.
Take on board what he is saying, but ultimately you may have tell him these are the things you require from him.
Step 6 – The Second Week
The second week you can take at any pace you feel like.
If you feel like just continuing on the same, doing nothing extra, then do so, despite what he wants. This is about you, and things you are comfortable with.
Don’t allow him to dictate the pace.
If he does, tell him directly that he is not to mention the subject again. Mistress will do things her way at her own pace.
In the second week if you feel like it, try and add a little humiliation for him into the mix. Again, if you feel like it.
There may be a few extra things to do this week if you feel comfortable.
Try some humiliation – You can add a new dimension to your world by deliberately trying to do some light humiliations. Nothing too awkward for you, but it it a slight escalation in your dominant position. Nobody humiates themselves voluntarily, so agreeing to perform some humiliating actions lightly pushes against natural boundaries.
Think of anything that you might find amusing, but a few suggestions might be;
- Go shopping for bra and panties – make him wear them washing up
- Make him wear stockings under his work clothes
- Make him hump a blow up doll in front of you. Make the orgasm sounds for ‘her’.
- Get him a baby rattle to use to ask to speak
- Make him sleep in lingerie
- Make him wear a collar while doing chores
- Give a BJ to a dildo
- Butler service, or dress as a waitress and serve dinner
Start the improvement routine – Again, i’m going to take weight loss as a goal, that you have either had the confidence to give him, or he has asked for a list of improvements. Now is the time to start dishing out commands that will help him achieve the goal.
Start light, but inform him of your now specific things you will be doing to make him a fitter and slimmer submissine
Some orders might be;
- On weekdays, I will dictate your portion sizes. The higher the calories, the less I will give you
- In the morning I will make you do 5 press ups and 5 sit ups
- I will randomly make you do either press ups or sit ups
- 3 times a week I will make you walk to a landmark, take a photo to prove you are there with a random object I give you. You will share location on your smartphone.
- I will make you lose 1 pound per week.
- You will be weighed every Sunday morning
- There will be light punishments for transgressions
- There will be heavy punishments for failure to lose the weight each week.
I even knew one enterprising lady who used to take her breasts out of her bra and place them on his knees during sit ups. He was simply told which nipple to lick during each sit up. Sure made for interesting exercising I am sure.
Discussion – At the end of the week, it’s time for another honest sit down and chat.
He should explain how he thinks it is going, whether he is enjoying it all. What is he finding difficult, or uncomfortable, whether you should push him more in certain areas.
Suggest to him you wish to explore some punishments. You wish to see how they are performed and reactions.
Tell him you will be testing some punishment ideas. He must accept that in the coming week you will be deliberately testing out some punishment ideas.
Step 6 – The Third Week
The third week should be more of the same, with him performing daily tasks and
He is learning your authority. He has a set of tasks and duties, and he has started a regime with a goal of his choosing, with which he is accepting your authority to control how it is executed.
This is a very subtle change, but crucial. In essence you are coming up with the tasks for him to perform.
You have subtly moved from things he wishes you to perform to giving you more control. Additionally you are exercising more autonomy with issuing orders for him to perform.
A couple of things then that you may want to additionally include for this week;
Introduce some randomness – It may be time to introduce a little random authority. Before has been a sort of co-effort with your authority. Time to step it up a notch and make some timely interventions for whatever reason you feel like
They can be kinky ones if you like, go with the flow;
Some things you might want to consider ae;
- Make him send a genital photo while at work
- Tell him you want to learn more about a subject. Learn about it and inform me
- Make him wear sexy panties to work, with a photo to prove.
- Make dinner wearing nothing but an apron
- Make him hump a sex doll, a pillow or a stuffed toy
- Make him watch a TV program in lingerie
- Send him to the shops with a perfume small, rather than aftershave
- Make him sit on the floor as you watch TV
Increase his goal improvements – You will need to keep up with his goal improvements. You can either just repeat the week again, or increase the amount of exercise a little
- Move the press ups and sit ups to 6
- Increase the distance he is walking
- Perhaps give him some weights to do. Get him doing bicep curls.
- Get a chin up bar and get him using it
- On press ups get him to say ‘thank you for improving me mistress’
Try some punishments – If you feel comfortable, say you want to try out a new punishment tool.
While it’s easy to make him stand in a corner, deny him TV access or send him to be early, sometimes you could well need to spank him.
It can be quite humiliating for a grown man, but it can be an effective punishment. Get yourself a paddle or a decent sized hairbrush.
You can either get him bent over your knee if you can manage it, get him to stand naked against a wall, or bend him over a table.
Deliver some blows by hand, with a hairbrush, and the paddle. Start small and work up.
Keep increasing until you feel that he is obviously gritting his teeth to take the blow. Ask him if he can take it harder at different places if you like.
You should now have another arrow to your bow with punishments.
Step 6 – The Fourth Week
By now you should at least have a decent feel for the developing relationship.
You should be growing a little more confident in your assertive nature and he should be settling in to your authority that he has agreed to.
You should by this stage at least be finding your feet. Maybe you’ve come up with things on your own, and that’s perfectly fine.
Always go at your own pace, and with things you are comfortable with. He should never be dictating the pace.
He is wanting you to take control, and is enjoying it.
So, in the fourth week, it should be pretty much more of the same. You can add any personal twists you like.
So, he should be doing his daily and weekly chores. He should be being punished for disobedience or tardiness.
Hopefully, you are staying strong and growing into your role as mistress of the household.
His fitness regime, or goal that he has ascribed to himself that you are administering should be continuing.
One more area to make your authority known could well be practised in the fourth week. Men are more used to initiating and controlling sex between male and female.
Assuming you have authority in this area from the initial discussion you should seek to exert more control.
Here’s an interesting way to do this;
Take some time out to have him give a you a pleasurable evening, and it comes in 4 stages
Massage – Tell him you want to use him as a plaything for an evening and arrange for him to massage you. Tell him you want the ambience right and tell him to sort it out. On a given evening make him give you a full body massage
Pussy maintenance – Following the massage make him wash, dry, trim, and wash and dry you again. You might need a specific trimmer, but he should give you the desired shape you require.
Oral – Following all that, now settle in for a session of him giving you oral sex. Keep going until you are fully satisfied. Make it a learning experience for him if he doesn’t do it too often.
Quick masturbation – Once you have a good massage, in candlelight, and have been trimmed by him, followed by some extensive oral, it’s now his turn.
Only his is to be quicker. Much quicker.
A few options might be;
- Give him 2 minutes to masturbate in front of you
- Make him hump a sex doll or pillow
- Walk to the bath and masturbate for him. Tell him to clean up afterwards
- Get him naked in front of a window, and make him masturbate onto the glass
- Put some porn on a laptop on and tell him to get on with it while you shower
- Sit him in a chair and make him masturbate
What’s happened is he has spent a lot of time on you. He has fulfilled your needs in a delicious manner, but his release was quick and almost an afterthought.
The overwhelming message you will be sending is that your pleasure is paramount and at will, even if he thinks it should be equal, is that you can decide it isn’t.
It’s a little tease, but take the principle and use it it in the fourth week,
Conclusion
So, there you go, a small blueprint for you to give you an idea how to start becoming a mistress.
It’s not conclusive, nor indeed exhaustive, but is intended to give you something to work off. A sort of framework to get going if you have no idea where you to start,
Feel free to edit, speed up, or slow down as you see fit. I’ve labelled it by weeks, but you could equally do it by calling it phases, and move on as you see fit.
Nobody should have an issue with that.
It’s intended as an information gathering, duties and channeling his energy in domestic chores, with your authority to command and exact standards.
He can be rewarded or punished as you see fit, that is the power he has given you.
In the final week, there’s an idea on how to easily take control of the bedroom. In essence, to request he pleasures you, but for little return. It’s designed to be an unequal dynamic.
When he is performing chores on request, submitting to your commands and accepting that his sexual gratification is secondary to yours, then you have the seeds of control.
Trying to talk to your partner about the benefits of a female led relationship can be hard. Use this open letter to help or to prompt constructive dialogue.
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