If you are new to the concept of being more in control, then there can often be a lot of frightening thoughts that run through your head.
That may not be you.
Don’t worry about it, that’s fine. He has asked you to be like a mistress so thinks you can do it, so you probably can. It’s just a matter of some experience, which can be gained.
You aren’t fighting him, he wants to be submissive to you, so it will work out.
Table of Contents
The Problem Of Confidence
We all know someone who lacks a little confidence when talking to other people. Some are naturally shy, and others just don’t feel very confident being in charge.
Both are quite easy to overcome, and once you see the effect your confidence will likely skyrocket.
If you are shy, then being the center of attention, much less commanding a scene may seem scary, but most of it is done in private. You don’t have to alter you. You can still be you.
For other women the thought of being commanding, even a little disrespectful to their men comes with its own challenges. It’s something they may be uneasy with.
Your submissive man will help you, and you may enjoy the whole experience.
When sounding more assertive, you may see a new side to your man as he starts to enjoy your new confidence.
So overcoming these obstacles will be relatively painless, but they are necessary. Unconfident people, tend to sound a little timid and unsure, and that affects how you are portrayed, especially when you are in the ‘mistress role’
Why You Need To Be Assertive
Learning to be assertive makes a mistress more likely to be obeyed.
You will see less challenges to your role, and you will get a lot more done.
A man finds it much easier to obey an assertive and confident mistress. It will truly satisfy his submissive needs as well.
Some Ideas On How To Start
So if you are shy, or have an issue with telling your man what to do, then by text is a great place to start.
You will quite quickly see him obeying you which makes face to face requests much easier.
A few examples might be
- I noticed the dishes weren’t done this morning. Make sure they’re done before I get back
- I want to wear that blue skirt tomorrow. Make sure it’s ironed for me to use
- I fancy a chinese meal tonight, pick up a takeaway on your way back
- We need some milk, get some for tomorrow
- We need some more pet food. Get some before Friday
- I noticed the toilet was left up today. Leave it down after use at all times
- My car needs a good clean. Arrange a thorough wash and internal clean ASAP
- I used the last of the coffee this morning, make sure it’s replenished for my evening drink
- Tracy is coming around on Saturday. Make sure the kitchen and bathroom are spotless beforehand
- Those black heels by the bed. I want them cleaned for a Thursday work event
- You talked over me this morning several times. When I am speaking, listen
So there you go, some simple text messages that are brief and easy to understand.
Quite soon we will get into why they are effective, and how you can replicate the technique to get your way and be obeyed.
How To Sound Assertive
Sounding assertive is an art, it makes everyone around you take notice of what you are saying. You sound like you know what you are doing and that’s key.
You don’t need to try and be the center of attention, or shout to be heard, just clear and concise.
When you are in the company of your sub, just remember poise and tone.
Poise – If you have ever studied effective leadership, then body communication says a lot about how internally confident you are. So in general make eye contact, lean into the situation, stand upright, keep your chin upright, don’t fidget, and speak clearly and concisely. Doing that displays confidence, and adds to your language.
Tone – There’s no need to shout, elevate your voice or fill it with inflections. Just keep it firm, and even.
Practice in a mirror if you must. Pick a phrase like ‘i desire a coffee, I want one on my desk in 10 minutes’ or ‘I left my phone in my car, go and fetch it for me’ and speak it a few times to yourself. Practice the body language, but don’t make it awkward, and deliver the line firmly and confidently.
This way you can have a natural conversation with your male partner, and just drop the phrase in when you like, effortlessly. Then watch him go and do it.
And finally we get into how to use language as a mistress.
Language and how you use it drastically alters a perceived comment or instruction.
Asking for a coffee from a waitress is very different from how you might talk to a subordinate. With a waitress, you might first catch their attention, then politely ask if coffee is available, then ask for one latte, before saying please and thank you.
As a mistress, you shouldn’t be treating your sub like the waitress.
Imagine asking your submissive male for a coffee by first going to him, then saying Do we have any coffee? I’m really after a coffee. I think we do. Could you please make me a coffee when you are ready, thanks honey.
By all means be polite, he is a male you care for I assume, but you can drop a lot of those statements.
A simple ‘A strong coffee ASAP honey, now preferably as I see you aren’t doing anything’.
See how that’s better? Polite but more assertive, without being disrespectful.
You certainly can be disrespectful if you like, and just say ‘I want a good strong coffee on the table in 10 minutes’ as you walk through the door.
It’s important to note though that both comments leave little room for disagreement or comeback.
You are his mistress. You have stated what you want. It’s now his job to deliver.
Drop the please and thank you – Somehow please and thank you within a mistress / submissive role equalizes your status. He should say please and thank you to you more often than you do.
You can thank him for a coffee by just stating that he makes the best coffee. It’s appreciative, without saying the status-reducing words. Quick affirmation of a job well done, is often better than thank you. ‘The car looks much better inside now’ or ‘I see the toilet seat is being left down now, much better’ is a better way of expressing gratitude.
Drop would / could / can etc – The reason you drop worlds like this is that they automatically imply there could be a negative response from your sub.
As they make the sentence a question, rather than a statement. Only ask questions when you want answers.
When you want something done, make it a statement.
- Could you get me a coffee
- Can you clean the car this weekend
- We need milk, would you go and get it for me
- Would you clean my shoes tonight
They are all something he could reply to with a negative, or at least try and think up an excuse.
Change them into statements and requests
- I need a coffee. Get yourself one as you make mine.
- The car needs cleaning. Make sure it’s done by the end of Sunday
- We need milk soon, we will run out by tomorrow. Make sure that doesn’t happen
- My good work shoes need to be cleaned by Thursday, Show me by Wednesday evening the result.
You get the idea i am sure, make tt less about a discussion and more of a statement.
You are thirsty. You want a coffee. He isn’t doing anything. State you want a coffee strong. Let him go and do it, and then remark he makes good coffee. Simple.
Drop I think / I thought – In the same vane, saying ‘I think you were disrespectful to your mistress’, or prequalifying any statement (such I thought…) invites a contest to your authority. More assertively just make it a statement, ‘you were disrespectful to your mistress’ at the party.
Don’t overexplain – When you want something, don’t weaken the argument by overexplaining. Avoid statements like ‘I really want to bake a cake. I’d like to do it tomorrow so it’s ready for Sunday when Tracy comes round. Can you pick up some extra butter please’. Much better is ‘I’m baking for Tracy on Sunday, here’s a list of everything I need by late Friday’.
In tandem with this, don’t make the rationale for your request at all. Think of it as ‘not needing to explain myself to you’.
Be brief – In general try to make things brief when issuing commands. Not in everything, sometimes you want a conversation, but assertive orders where you want a result need to be brief. Sometimes you want input before you decide something. So ask questions and converse until the time comes. When you decide a curt ‘Right, that cupboard is a mess with your things, sort it out by the weekend’ is the order of the day. Literally.
Don’t caveat anything – a caveat is essentially a qualification with a proviso. That is to say a ‘get out clause’
Examples of instructions with caveats are;
- When you are free, I need a coffee
- When you have time, clean the car
- If work isn’t busy today, I need the dishes washed when you get home
- Get some apples on your way home, if there’s a grocery store on your way
- If you go to the mall, pick me up some stationary and T-shirts
The problem with caveats is that if you put a ‘time proviso’ in there he can legitimately claim he didn’t have any, he was playing on doing it in a few days ‘when he had time’.
Essentially the ‘proviso’ can always be used as the excuse.
As a reminder, you are the mistress. It’s his job to make more time. He can get up earlier if necessary to make sure what you want done is done.
It is a requirement of his submissiveness to make the proviso irrelevant. As in the above example about picking something up from the mall, it’s not for you to ask him to do it if he is in the area, but the solution is for him to go to the mall.
If you want to think simply,about sounding more assertive, then think of it in 2 sections, a statement, then an instruction.
- I am hungry, get me some snacks
- The dishes are dirty, make sure they are cleaned before you go to bed
- I noticed the loo seat was up this morning, make sure it is down at all times
- My feet are aching, go and get the massage oil
- I’m running out of work blouses to wear, make sure I don’t run out
Being assertive is simply a matter of stating what you desire half the time.
Phrases That Help You Be Obeyed
Not that you have understood the concepts of brevity, over explanation, dropping caveats and the statement / instruction way of issuing a command, you can actually emphasize a few things that will make a phrase seem more like it needs to be obeyed immediately.
Emphasizing certain words, additionally with tone, will slightly alter the perceived notion to the phrase.
Additionally, adding certain words can again either add urgency or make the statement bolder.
Either way, it gives your submissive little doubt about your desire or intention. It doesn’t have to be delivered like a barking commanding tone, just a simple statement.
There are words that can be used that take out ambiguity of a phrase.
Words like, need, require, must, will, desire, necessity, essential, demand, or obliged etc
They emphasize either your statement, or your instruction
As some examples;
- We are running out of toilet roll, I need you to go and get some
- The lawn is overgrown, it’s essential that it’s done before Sunday
- My work shoes are dirty, I must have them clean for tomorrow
- The dishes weren’t cleaned well today, tomorrow you will do it only wearing a bra and panties
- You kept overspeaking me last night, tonight you will raise your hand when you wish to speak
- I desire a good foot rub, I’d be obliged for 20 minutes now
You should if necessary, make him understand with a standing order what a certain phrase might mean.
A standing order is a pre agreed set of statements, most notably in document form.
This works well for shy or slightly nervous ladies.
Personally we have a set of standing orders on a word document so there’s no doubt about what she might mean. Not necessary but sometimes if she senses any reluctance, disinterest or hesitation from me, she can just say ‘standing orders honey’.
Nothing more needs to be said, I understand the command.
Here’s an idea of what I mean; Sometimes I hear these words added to an instruction;
Now would be good (private) – When I hear this I know she means stop immediately what you are doing and get what I asked for done without delay.
If you don’t mind (public) – When I hear this it means ignore all the caveats and politeness, listen to the instruction and get it done now. This is useful, as it allows the privacy of our female led relationship to be maintained but gives outsiders a sense of normality and equality.
If we are at a party, and with a group of friends and we are talking as a group, my wife might turn to me and say ‘my glass is nearly empty, I think I’ll have another one of those soon. When you are next at the bar honey, could I have another one of those please, if you don’t mind’.
To every onlooker it looks like my wife is just politely asking me that I should get her a drink at my earliest convenience. Nothing untoward. To me however, it means’ ignore all the politeness, and casual requests, I want another drink now, go and get it’.
A quick ‘let me go and get it for you now, while I think about it and the bar looks empty’ keeps my public masculinity intact, and shows my wife that her instruction is understood and will be obeyed.
Both of us are happy.
Overcoming Resistant Language
More than once a mistress will either accidentally issue ambiguity or not get her point across. Alternatively, the male sub will be involved in doing something where it might be inconvenient for him.
Nothing untoward maybe, but the mistress might be more in need of urgency say, than say the comment deserved.
Quite frankly, there’s often just hesitation, procrastination or just laziness to deal with as well.
When you do so, there is often a time clarification, possibly with a caveat
- I’m right in the middle of something, I will do it in a sec
- The game is on, can I do it in the break?
- I’m just texting with mother
- My hands are dirty from mowing the lawn, can I get your coffee in a minute
- I’m snowed under at work, can I clean the bathroom on Monday instead
Perhaps saying he is on the toilet is fine and you can just say ‘soon as you get out, and make it quick’, which allows him his excuse.
Sometimes though you want it done immediately or you are not brooking any argument against having your wishes met.
I mean, his hands are dirty, so he can’t make you a coffee? You are his mistress and you noted that he was mowing the lawn and taking a small break. He can clean them quickly enough.
A few learned choice phrases emphasises your point
- Not looking for excuses, it needs to be done as requested
- Do I need to clarify my need for an immediate response
- No, i wasn’t thinking later, i was thinking now
- No, find better time management
In public we have a few secret signals, one of which is ‘mind your tongue, I am displeased, work out why’. We also have a secret signal that means ‘look at your mistress app now, I have issued a directive’.
This means that she can very quickly stop any interruptions to her requests.
As above, another good option is the standing order.
As a note under ‘phrase meanings’ you might have something like this
‘If you don’t mind’ – This is a phrase mistress will use when she means for the sub to do something immediately. When the sub hears it they are to immediately cease what they are doing and perform the mistress’ desired task with urgency. The only acceptable retorts from the sub are either clarifications, understanding preferences or utterances of compliance.
With that as a ‘standing order’ there’s no need for a long discussion. Mistress knows that the use of that phrase will immediately limit my options. I have to stop doing my current task, and I can only ask her to clarify, ask questions about the task under question, or inform her I am doing it an once.
This is extremely useful for a mistress.
It’s hard to be 100% in mistress mode, but the utterance of that phrase immediately changes the meaning.
Take something as simple as wanting an evening wine.
Mistress might mention that a wine might be a good idea, but not indicate when and how she wants it, nor that she was asking me to get it.
The utterance of ‘wine if you don’t mind’ immediately removes the ambiguity from the phrase.
My options limit immediately, she is instructing me to get her a wine immediately. I know that from the phrase usage.
Thus I can now clarify, ask questions to aid her desire, or utter my immediate compliance, with ‘at once mistress’.
So I am only allowed to ask how to please her better
- Would you prefer a large or small glass, mistress?
- You said you were just off for a bath, would you like it served there mistress?
- Is red good or white more preferable, mistress?
- You bought that Cabernet Sauvignon yesterday, was that the wine you meant mistress?
If she gets bored of me asking too many questions, she can either be more precise or update the standing order.
He Will Love Your New Commanding Tone
The fact is that your submissive sub will love your new commanding tone.
Whether it’s vocal, or you issue signals, or have a standing set of orders for him to obey, your new authoritative manner will delight him
You are exercising authority of your rightful position, and for a submissive male who requires a more authoritative female to satisfy him psychologically, that will mean a happier man.
He just loves your new manner, deep within himself.
It may seem strange at first, but largely you should pick it up quite easily and before long watch happily as you feel a need, issue an instruction and watch as your man goes about trying to make it happen.
Trying to talk to your partner about the benefits of a female led relationship can be hard. Use this open letter to help or to prompt constructive dialogue.