Selfishness in general polite society is such an ugly word. Describe someone as selfish and a whole host of thoughts come to mind.
It’s associated with unpleasantness, a distinctly social no no, to the point if a few agree someone is selfish they will be socially ostracized.
Yet oddly, I’ve found that done proportionally, and appropriately it has its place.
It’s a weird thing to try and compute isn’t it?
It naturally sounds like a contradiction, something which means the premise is wrong.
I don’t think so, and let me explain why.
A Normal Female Led Relationship Problem
Normally there are only benefits, or at least we have found.
Personally I feel much more fulfilled having an authority that I am answerable to, and there being an element of my life where I am not in overall control
For my wife, there are distinct benefits as well, the house runs exactly as she wants it, she can correct behavior in me, and she enjoys the role.
Our relationship works much better for it.
But that’s not to say there aren’t problems.
A lot of the so-called problems aren’t really problems for me, like not enjoying it or society being judgemental. We keep it personally private so that’s never been an issue.
The problem we found was that there are some periods whereby it became a bit mundane. I don’t mean to sound bad but routine breeds indifference. I have standing orders so there were periods where there wasn’t much need to exercise her authority.
Also sometimes it can feel a bit like ‘mothering’, not as a general rule but just occasionally.
What we decided was that my wife should give herself permission to be selfish on the odd occasion, in all aspects of our relationship.
In essence there are no constraints on her deciding to be selfish.
My wife and I came up with a general list of guidelines for her to be selfish.
- Small spontaneous acts of fun or kink for her
- Whenever she feels the urge to be pampered
- When something is important to her
- When she is passionate about something
- Whenever she feels the need to exercise authority randomly
- Whenever she is feeling lazy
That covers a lot, but we largely thought it would be fun for both of us.
What Is Selfishness From A Mistress
Selfishness from a mistress is no different than selfishness in any other person.
Particularly characterised by;
- lacking consideration for other people
- concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.
- concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself
- concerned with one’s own welfare
- a disregard of others in pursuit of your own interests
That’s why selfish people are generally shunned.
A mistress relationship is different. The difference is she has a sub to control who with prior arrangement has agreed to give her authority.
A selfish person who wants their meal made from them has a problem. A mistress doesn’t.
We came up with what works for us. If the idea interests you, then come up with what works for you.
Why Mistress Selfishness Works For The Sub
Working in my job which comes with a ton of responsibilities, and with it the resultant pressure from the autonomy of my position. I have a lot of expectations from me. Professionally speaking.
But in my home life I want to be a million miles from that.
I want to be out of control, and adore my wife for her role in helping me balance my life.
Within our relationship I don’t want to take control. I don’t want to make the decisions, and don’t want the responsibility.
I need a break from that.
I actively want to be subject to a higher authority. I have no problem with my opinions being asked for, but I don’t want to have to decide.
I want to surrender and know I am being looked after.
I need my wife to somehow prove and demonstrate their ability to control me.
With a glance, a tone or a stern comment I need that element where I have to listen and understand what I have to do.
Now, I am not completely without self respect. Occasionally, especially if there might be some ambiguity in there I might, ask, twist her words slightly or pretend not to hear. Almost anything to try and pretend that I have control.
I love it when my wife sees through what I am doing and outright gives me an order or statement of her authority. I also love it when she makes a line clearly known and sternly informs me.
Once I began to fool around a bit, feeling a little frisky and was casually stroking her leg. She was sort of in the middle of something and wasn’t playing along. Her body language changed a bit to make it harder for me to stroke her leg. She moved fractionally again, so that I could really stroke her leg so I moved my hand up to her next to lightly stroke it.
Finally she had had enough.
She turned and said “Right, kneel in front of me……. Don’t EVER presume to try and manipulate me into sex. Go to the punishment corner and stand there for an hour”
I duly went and after the hour was over we had the customary debrief for the punishment. What did you do wrong? I explained. What have you learned? I explained.
I mean, all that would sound terrible to an uneducated onlooker, but it is exactly what I am looking for. Pushing boundaries and being resisted.
The pursuit of mistress’ dominance definitely expands into the bedroom for me.
I enjoy the complete lack of responsibility from making decisions about making my wife orgasm and love her having a dominant moment purely as a result of her pursuing her own pleasure. Somehow becoming her play toy is stress relieving, and thus empowering for me.
It’s not like that all the time with sex. We can make dates or my wife can sense I need her to behave this way more often than not. She seems to know when to ‘use and abuse’ me.
In the end, in the bedroom I love the fact for a while I am totally out of control. I am just there to pleasure, or indeed be a plaything for mistress. It’s not all one way, during this ‘use and abuse treatment’ we have agreed that she has to let me orgasm, but ultimately I love the submissiveness of it.
Many have likened it to a roller coaster ride. The passengers all like the ride much more than the controllers.
All this is to say, that selfishness from mistress works the same way, when mistress decides to act selfishly, I love the submissiveness that comes with it.
The act of a selfish mistress gives her legitimate reason to treat you like a bit of dirt. Sometimes that is necessary for both sides of the mistress / sub dynamic.
Short term spontaneous submissiveness from the act of a selfish mistress probably needs a discussion between the two of you. It may not, but for us it did.
We agreed on the available ways for her to treat me.
- Like a butler
- Becoming a servant
- Be dismissive
- Dirty, aggressive language
- As if the sub is beneath contempt
- Uncaring to the subs feelings
- Use and abuse in the bedroom
- As if we didn’t have a relationship
- Small acts of sadistic pleasure
Those aren’t a list of requirements. It is what we have agreed to as a list of options available to her.
Mistress Selfishness Is Sexy
As agreed by society, selfishness is a universally repugnant trait.
But we all know someone, or at least did, who was a bit or a dormant. Someone who will let people walk all over them. That is equally unattractive.
The solution for the dormant is to become more assertive and give themselves permission to act more selfishly.
So when we call someone selfish, what we really mean is, an excessive level disregard for others, and too much emphasis placed on securing your own needs.
No selfishness at all would make you that proverbial doormat.
So in this sense some level of selfishness can make people attractive. It naturally tells the people around you you are not a doormat, someone who is malleable and has no self respect.
So a balance of altruism and selfishness is what makes us normal human beings.
I mean the following purely in the mistress sense just if there is any doubt.
Mistress selfishness is the ultimate expression of not seeing yourself as a victim. There is an element of seeing others beneath you and your natural right to give them instructions.
There is no validation of weak behavior naturally implied, but an expression of seeing and adoring yourself, which is a natural state for a mistress and the authority goes with her.
Being selfish naturally implies, loving yourself and being more contemptuous of others. People are repulsed by easily walked over people – selfishness implies that that isn’t so. Giving yourself permission to be selfish, even above the natural power dynamics makes a mistress highly attractive to a submissive man requiring that authority.
My mistress being selfish says “I don’t need you for my happiness” and that is an attractive trait. My happiness is not affecting her, and isn’t required.
That level of dismissiveness is what drives the submissiveness to crave the selfish mistress. It’s like a cat and a piece of string.
So sometimes selfishness works as a nice counterbalance to wanting to be submissive, and that, to me at least, is what makes it sexy.
How To Be A Selfish Mistress
So, you’ve accepted the idea that a little selfishness can be fun for the mistress, and your sub will enjoy your pursuit of it, even to his own deterement and self respect in the here and now.
For naturally non selfish people in day to day living, this is something that might come as a struggle. How do you practically define that selfishness?
If you have to act selfishly how do you go about that? Is it just a simple matter of wanton greed?
So for a mistress to act selfishly, consider the following.
Put all your needs above your sub – Normally there is a scale to life. A balance of acceptability, especially in relationships. You may want some chips in the evening and not have any, but the nearest place to get them is a 2 mile walk away. You’d balance your immediate need with the difficulty of doing the task to complete it.
This is normal. However a selfish mistress should wantonly put her needs above those of her subs difficulty, hardship or inconvenience of doing so, or an apparently more agreeable alternative that is close.
Suppose you came home and wanted spaghetti bolognese as a meal. Your sub is in the middle of preparing a lovely lasagne that he has spent the last 2 hours on, and used the last of the ground beef. In all respects, that is pretty close, and the hardship of altering to your whims is going out and not only purchasing the new ingredients but preparing the meal again.
In normal life you’d just shrug and go ‘great’. There would intuitively be the understanding that it would be far too much effort for him for a small change in your desires.
Not so for the selfish mistress. She might not be immediately hungry so can wait, the only thing that matters is she wants spaghetti.
Thus the selfish mistress doesn’t care. It’s the subs job to sort your desires out. End of story.
In case you are wondering, I mention that story as it actually happened to me. I still remember the feeling to this day, the unbelievable frustration and disbelief I felt that she had casually both simultaneously dismissed my efforts and put so much emphasis on what she wanted then and there.
It was only later that the deep psychological satisfaction came.
If you change your mind it doesn’t matter – Whims are strange things. You can have desires in one moment, that you change shortly thereafter,
Again there’s balance in normal life that doesn’t apply to a mistress being selfish.
Imagine wanting a takeaway meal from the local Chinese. No pointing in doing it yourself so you make your sub go and get it. It should take him 45 minutes or so to drive there, order, wait, and then drive back No problem, so off he goes.
Then imagine flicking through a magazine and seeing a lovely Indian takeaway. Suddenly your desires have changed and actually you’d now prefer that Indian meal. But your sub will be back in a few minutes.
Yeah, well that’s tough for him. He will have to go out again, or turn round when you text him your new desires. His nearly completing your task was irrelevant. Your desires had changed. End of story.
Let impulse guide you – This pretty much just deciding what you actually want without regard to any other factor. With the possible exception of impossibility.
Do you want to read a certain magazine and the only place that sells it is a 15 mile drive away. Do you feel you need a coffee or a foot rub right now?
The selfish mistress would just decide what she wants and inform her sub to go and do it.
To illustrate, suppose he is in the middle of fixing the lawnmower and is very dirty, but you want a coffee. Well, he needs to stop fixing it, take off the dirty clothes, have a shower, or clean himself up, make your coffee and then go back to the lawnmower.
Validation is not necessary – Not only are you not looking for approval from the sub, but the subs wishes are to be outright disregarded.
Every other person should be treated as if their opinion doesn’t matter to your choice, especially your sub.
On a personal note I love it when my wife does the mocking concern bit with this sort of thing. When making me perform a task that you might consider would naturally produce some feedback, she just says oh poor baby, is it too much for you,… I’m only doing it because I know you like to make me happy, so who cares, now go and get it done”.
No feeling of guilt – Guilt is emotional regret. Why would a selfish mistress have regret. The job of the sub is to please mistress, even when she seems to be being unreasonably selfish.
The fact is as a normal human being, even within a femdom relationship you may well need to practice being selfish. Fulfilling your own desires without considering someone else’s feelings is a bit of an art, especially to someone you care about.
Just remember your sub has agreed to this, and despite everything is getting something out of it. He is getting his submissive desires fulfilled.
Your subs world revolves around you.
Some Simple Selfish Ideas
While selfishness seems simple to implement, it might be helpful to have a few ideas to throw out there.
When you feel lazy or exhausted – Sometimes life is tiring or you just feel like relaxing for time. However pertains things need doing and you have some basic needs to be met. Well, just be lazy, like you feel like being. Your sub can do what you want done, and he can go about the house bringing you, coffee, wine or whatever you want while you rest. Why get and make coffee yourself.
Use his time to free yours – Maybe you are in a rush sometimes in the morning, well use your sub to make you have more free time. He can get up earlier to make any breakfast, and get all your work clothes ready. You can streamline your going out and he can make it all easier, from carefully laying out clothes, squeezing your toothpaste on the brush, to making sure your shoes and skirt are all clean. As well as providing the coffee at the right time.
Do not respect his time – Many options here as you go through life. Maybe you are going shopping at the mall one Saturday afternoon. No idea when you finish but it’ll probably be like 4pm. Have him parked up nearby from 2.30pm to chauffeur you home and take your bags in.
Girls night out preparation – My wife does this one occasionally. I have a boys night out (unless I’m grounded) and she has a girls night out. The difference is I get myself ready and go out when I go out with the boys. When she wants to dress elegantly for the girls night out, I am made to help her out.
I will wait holding the towel while she showers, and get everything ready. I also make sure all the stuff is completely free of dirt and clean. I inspect the clothes she has chosen, and help her dress. When she is dressed I run a hair roller over her clothes to make her look immaculate.
I clean the handbag, make the jacket immaculate and most of the time chauffeur her to where she wants. For an hour or two I am basically a butler, and she treats me as such.
Frisky mistress – One area where mistress can look extremely selfishly sexy is when she desires physical pleasure. Anything from a basic massage, to having her sub make her orgasm, without any thought to returning the favor.
A mistress who selfishly uses her slave to receive oral is extremely submissive for a male. Especially if she is aggressive in her instructions to orgasm, and after orgasming gets up and walks off to shower while the sub is told to get some new underwear out and go and make a coffee.
We use it as a little spice not as a lifestyle choice.
In our relationship it is not so extreme, but my wife will very occasionally go into a selfish mode to add a little extra dimension to the way we live.
Everyone is different, and some men may require a completely selfish mistress, and some men, not so much at all, or only in the bedroom.
Whatever works for you, works . .and that’s the end of the matter.
If you have never tried it though, give yourself permission to give it a go, See what happens.
Trying to talk to your partner about the benefits of a female led relationship can be hard. Use this open letter to help or to prompt constructive dialogue.