The Beginner Domme Guide To Understanding Your Sub (With Questions)

OK, so your significant other has expressed a desire to let you take charge.

He mentioned words that you see as some dark underworld, and rushed off to the internet to find what all the stuff is about.

The first thing to do is relax.

What Domme Does He Want

One of the first things that needs to be done, is find out what sort of domme does he feel he wants to be subservient to. We can discuss how that can be done later, but we need to define what sort of domme you will need to be.

Broadly speaking, this falls into about 5 categories. There may be elements from a few but here’s some idea of what he might be meaning.

Purely sexual – Essentially he desires you to be a bit more dominant in the bedroom. The confines or your role as a domme will revolve only around bedroom play. Maybe a little outside, but essentially it is very private in nature. He probably wants you to take control, in the bed a bit, or demand sexual gratification on your timetable, not his. He wants to pass over initiation to you. There is no pain, humiliation or embarrassment components to your role as a domme.

You would probably be expected to demand oral sex from him when you feel like it, in other words put your sexual pleasure above his, and control his orgasm. In the bedroom he would do as you commanded him and expect to be teased for your amusement.

Gentle femdom – This will move your role as a domme a little further than the bedroom. Gentle female domination would not normally be associated with any pain or humiliation. It’s still largely a private affair between you both. You will be granted a freedom to control him, within certain confines. You can make him perform tasks at your discretion.

You will largely be able to demand any sexual favour you require, and be able to tell him when he can have his own sexual gratification. Think of him as a pleasure toy and you may not be far off. You will be able to dish out rewards and punishments at your discretion. You would be able to make him wear womens underwear to work for a kink, get him to prepare your next morning’s clothing, and if he was a good boy then you may allow him to give you oral.

Alpha female – This is a little bit of an upgrade from the gentle femdom. As well as any sexual request you desire, there will be more control granted to you. Your alpha female domme will be matched by his beta male sub. Again, it doesn’t have to involve pain or humiliation so to speak, but you will be given more control.

You will be able to give him more mundane tasks, and he will act a bit more like a servant. He will enjoy your authoritative manner. The tasks you can ask are likely to be a little more humiliating, like using him as a footstool, or making him wash up while wearing womens clothes. You could well have control of his ability to orgasm, and apply a cage if you so desire. The tasks can be longer and require more effort to complete, like research for something or writing your CV.

You might be expected to act like a highly sexual female, and some strapon play might be a part of this role.

Roleplay domme – This one is pretty simple in its confines. Your role as a domme is desired within the context of a sexual roleplay scenario. It’s likely that he would want you to play a role where there is natural female dominance.

The domme is usually confined to the roleplay role, and once the roleplay is over, then the domme and sub element subside.  It doesn’t have to be sexual, but there is normally some sort sex play tied to roleplay. Typically you would be expected to roleplay a deviant nurse, a bitchy boss, a headmistress or a cop.

Lifestyle domme – This is almost complete lifestyle control. Normally, men seeking a dominant female for this purpose seek out a partner with the corresponding desires. If he has approached you, it is unlikely that he wants to go this far, unless he mentioned it early on.

With this type of domme role, you are basically in control of his entire life. You control his tasks, his pleasures and punishments, should he not please you.

Your First Task As A Domme

If you have just been asked to consider being a domme, there may be a lot swirling around your head, not least is how to move forward.

Assuming you are generally OK, or at least exploring the possibility of attempting the role of a domme, there are going to be things you need to know before you start.

Not least of which are the confines of when you are to domme, not everyone wants a lifestyle domme.

The easiest way to understand is to ask him. There are questions you can give him to answer fully later, but your first task is to understand his mentality.

Here’s a few ways you can do that. It could well be an idea to consider this the first set of tasks for him.

Get him to write it down – Get him to spell it out for you. Nothing short either, get him to gather his thoughts and explain why he wants this. What are his motivations, what does he hope to gain. Get him to explain any question you have. You will have your own set of questions for him to answer later, but getting his thoughts down so you can understand him is important. It forces him to clarify it.

Get him to write a story – Get him to write a fictional story of his own choosing about being a sub, and living under control.

Get him to send you a story – Get him to read a lot of sub stories, and send you the ones he finds most enthralling.

Video – Whether it’s redtube, pornhub or xnxx, get him to send you links to the videos he likes the most that exemplify his desires.

List making – Get him to make a list of things he would consider rewards, punishments, and humiliating.

If you get him to do all of the above, then you are a long way towards understanding him.

A reasonable question is why you are getting him to do this. Well the first is understanding him, but it’s understanding him in a very specific way. You will need to know what motivates him.

Broadly speaking, you are looking for what activities fall into a specific category.

Those categories being;

Rewards – What sort of things does he find preferential about being under your control. If you decide he has been a good boy, what sort of things can you get him to do to reinforce the behaviour. If he has fetishes, or sexual preferences then you need to understand this, as well as doling out more mundane rewards. Knowing what he finds pleasurable to do is key.

Punishments – The opposite of rewards. When he has not performed well, been lazy or not done as he is told, you may decide a punishment is necessary, but you need to find out what he considers unwanted things to do. Some will be obvious, like taking away his phone for an evening, or revoking PC privileges, but others are designed to correct behavior, like spanking.

Humiliation – Humiliation can be a great way to correct behaviour, but you need to find out what makes him feel uncomfortable. Normally this would involve some sort of emasculation. You will be treating him more femininely or not as an adult. Getting him to wash up in frilly panties if he has disrespected you, or making him use a baby rattle and shake it to ask permission to speak if he has acted like a baby would count in this regard.

Understanding what motivates him is critical. If he has a sissy fetish then putting him in panties becomes a reward not a punishment or humiliation. It allows you to more effectively domme him.

Questions For Your Sub Before You Start

After he has finished his tasks from above, you may have some more specific ones for him. 

Again, it’s a good idea to make sure these are full answers. A fun beginning to this domme thing is to sit him down, make him dress up as if he were at work, or a schoolboy, and get him to either write or type the answers to the questions.

Don’t be fobbed off with simple and short answers that don’t illuminate what he wants. Be a little assertive maybe, and give him an ‘F’ grade if he does this. Get him to write out ‘I must write more substantive answers’ 50 times on paper maybe, and then get him to repeat it.

That should focus his mind.

So, some questions you might want to know.

What do you see as a domme role? Essentially, what does he want from you? What are your parameters? How does he see your role?

What do you see as a sub role? How does he see himself compared to you? 

What are your safewords? You will want some indication that he is genuinely uncomfortable, and must know how to push him. You could exercise some authority and tell him that he is to say amber if he is a little uncomfortable, and red if it’s a little more than that.

What do you consider a reward? Make him list all the rewards he can think of, that you will allow if he deserves it.

What do you consider a punishment? What would be a real punishment for him. Don’t let him list kinks that he would enjoy. These must be actual punishments. Spanking as a punishment, isn’t a kink tickle. It’s a genuine pain that is consensual. Think sex denial, removal of his nights out, denial of watching a sports match, or releiving him of a tablet or phone for a specified matter of time.

What do you consider a kink? What does he consider a little out of the ordinary, but is kind of sexually exciting. These can be used to entice him into tasks, or for amusement, or even a reward should you feel like it. Maybe he has a foot fetish or really enjoys you in stockings.

What would be a definite no no? – Everybody has things they like to keep private, and limits within an area of play. You never want to overstep the mark, so make him list things that are off limits. Like blackmail to friends, or severe public humiliation. Physical punishment that leaves marks might be another one.

When to go in and out of the domme role? – If you are not going to be a lifestyle domme then you need to know when it is acceptable to make demands and have them obeyed.  Normally, something within the confines of a private house pertaining to the household would be considered reasonable. However, you do need to know when he can expect his own autonomy.

What activities can be pushed? – Sometimes there are no defined limits within a kink, reward or punishment. The sub himself may not be aware. He may give you permissions, in fact ask for them, but not know his own limits. He may make subject himself to spankings at your discretion, but not know where his limits are. The wearing of womens clothes as a humiliation can often fall into this category as well.

How much free reign do you have? – Get him to give you an idea of where you can apply your imagination, and not stick to a script.

Is outside OK? – Are you permitted to domme him outside and in public, if so how much. Suppose he disrespects you, or you feel like punishing him a bit. Can you do it outside? Can you get him to carry your handbag around, or ask for extra small condoms at a chemist. Can you make him wear frilly panties as a humiliation, or deny him permission to speak to people without your express permission.

Is he comfortable in womens clothes? – Small acts of humiliation can often become blase after a while. He may get used to wearing some panties, but can you push him into wearing a full maid outfit to do chores.

List of permissions – Get him to write out a list of permission that you are allowed to dispense. All household chores in any manner, discipline at domme discretion, denial of rewards and activities he enjoys, that sort of thing.

Rewards and Punishments

Having done all that, you should have a good idea of what he likes, doesn’t like, what he considers a humiliation and the realm of where you are able to fulfil a domme role.

You will have an idea also of his limits of exploitation and where you can push some areas and explore.

You can also now figure out what would be a reward and what would be a punishment. A specific task, or activity is neither a reward or punishment unless you know your sub. Some have fetishes, where others have apprehension, and knowing your sub better will allow you proper allocation of a task or when you demand obedience or activity.

You now have a free reign to dish out chores, make him perform an amusing task, and then discern whether the task has been accomplished.

You now efficiently and effectively punish him for whatever reason you feel like, although to be effective it must always be explained.

Rewards and punishment should be dished out when they are genuinely earned never out of anger, or excessive pleading.

Some Good Breaking In Tasks

If you are still unsure, or at least feel like dipping your toe into the water of being a domme then perhaps suggest a trial period.

That way you can try it out for a period to see if works for you, and indeed your sub.

The first task might be to get him to write out an agreement based on what you have discussed. Get him writing his authorization for your authority, and giving permissions for rewards, punishments, and tasks that he is to perform under your instruction and demand.

Get him to come up with something, scrutinize it and authorize it with your signature.

Just as an endnote, I’ll include some easy break in tasks that you may want to try. They are low impact and require very little participation from you. The work will be done by your sub, so enjoy!!

Making perfect coffee – Get him to try and make a perfect cup of coffee. Start with 50 granules, 5mL of milk, and water at 90 degrees Celsius. The next time go to 60 granules with the same milk quantity and water temp. Zero in on the precise number of granules, even if it’s 63 then alter the milk, and finally try different water temps. Getting him counting out coffee granules for you should be a privilege.

Shiny heels – Ever wanted the shiniest boots . Well, the military knows how to make them super shiny. Get him to watch videos on how to do it, and pick a pair of your favorite heels and let him get to work. It’s a lot of work, but his effort will make you look awesome.

Underwear prepper – Get him to wash and prepare your underwear thoroughly the night before. You want it washed by hand and dried, and then left to air for your day tomorrow.

Fitness – Do you want him a little fitter? Get him to put a chin up bar on the entrance to the toilet. Get him to ask permission to use the toilet and make him do chin ups on the way to pee, and press ups on the way out. Increase the amount as it gets easier for him. Make him kiss your foot on the last press up and chant ‘I adore my goddess’.

Personal talisman – Get something that fits on a keychain, and make it a personal talisman. It is an inordinate object that contains your essence. Get him to take a photo of himself kissing it or bowing to it every day. Get him to send you the photo.