You might have heard about it through friends. Or maybe read a book like ‘Fifty Shades’, or even seen some films where it plays a part. Maybe even adult films.
For a lot, they have tried it in roleplay and even found it fun.
The truth is a lot of people are interested in BDSM and for some, it’s a roleplay thing, for others it’s more of a lifestyle.
They need some ideas.
Female dominance or femdom need not be intimidating and almost certainly doesn’t need to go anywhere near the extremes seen in adult movies, or popular culture. That is what attracts people to femdom in general – you can actually figure out what works best for you.
When you try new things it doesn’t have to be expensive either. Many things can double up as BDSM implements for you to try out certain activities. Don’t buy an expensive paddle and corset just to find out you don’t like spanking punishments.
Wooden spoons can be used for spankings, as can a hairbrush. A scarf becomes a blindfold and tights can be used as restraints. There is plenty of room for creativity as you grow.
So much of life is either controlled or has a repeating pattern that may need some spice.
Table of Contents
Start Slow And Go Slow
The natural state of a new domme is to be dominating, while at least being safe. There is a tendency among those new to being a mistress to dive straight and forget that there is a learning and comfortability curve.
Trust has to be built, and that’s a fragile thing. Like burgeoning business relationships or possible new friends, you don’t just dive in at the deep end.
Things start slow as trust is developed.
It’s important to start in small and manageable steps for not only you but your submissive.
You may come across unexpected boundaries, and don’t want to go leaping past them. That builds tension and distrust, so it’s best avoided with a go slow program at the start.
You can always increase the pace once you both get comfortable with your new arrangement.
Both a mistress and her submissive need to build a framework and level of comfort together. Both of the participants should be going into it with as much knowledge and understanding as possible. What are soft and hard limits? What are boundaries that can be pushed, and how are safe words to be used?
The key is to start slow and move in a direction that makes you both satisfied and fulfilled. Don’t move in directions that are uncomfortable for either one of you.
Female led relationships, gentle femdom or even the broader spectrum of BDSM provide plenty of scope for nuances and to be found. What a mistress understands to be true, might not be what the submissive understands and desires from the same term.
One that going to quickly at the beginning can damage, so find your own way at your own pace. You are not comparing yourself to anyone else.
Learn To Speak / Text Authoritatively
If it doesn’t come naturally, then with practice you can learn to adopt a more ‘mistresslike’ demeanor.
Contrary to popular opinion this doesn’t mean always dismissive, or utter disdain for the submissive and his life. A female led relationship will usually mean the mistress cares for the submissive.
So, for those who’d like to try it, here are a few simple tips
Poise – Showing a graceful elegance by standing upright in a confident and forthright manner is better than a slouch or with your head bowed slightly as an embarrassed look. It conveys greater conviction.
Tone – Delivering your instructions should be a calm and flat tone, not screamed or casual. It conveys control, which is a cornerstone of authority.
No please or thank you – As a mistress, you have no need to be overly polite or thank your submissive. They should be grateful for your order, or request. It doesn’t have to be dismissive, and you can complement the submissive with appreciations of their work quality rather than thank you. When you receive your coffee, rather than thank you, you can say things like “you do make the best coffee”. It’s a way of being appreciative without showing appreciation.
Drop caveats – As a mistress, you should practice early at dropping caveats to your requests.
As an example caveats ae things like;
- If you are free can you get me a cup of coffee
- If you go to the mall today can I get some …….
- If you have time tomorrow, can you get some……
From the above examples, you might not get what you request because of the caveat. You didn’t get a coffee because he wasn’t free, or didn’t go to the mall, or didn’t have time.
He is your submissive, it’s his job to get what you need, to go out of his way to get things, and to make time in his day.
Much better is
- I’m home and need you to get me a coffee
- At some point tomorrow you need to go to the mall and….
- Make some time tomorrow to get….
Drop can, would, if – This is similar to the reason you drop caveats in that it offers a way to get out of the request. It doesn’t seem so but dropping can, would, etc stops it from being a question where a ‘no’ could be the answer with some sufficiently plausible excuse.
Take this phrase
- Can you drop into the laundry place tomorrow and pick up my dry cleaning
That isn’t a request or an instruction. That is a question.
As such it invites a whole litany of get out clauses
- I can’t tomorrow honey, there’s something big on at work
- If I have time sure, there’s a meeting that might overrun.
- I’m on the other side of town tomorrow, I’ll see if I can get over
If you remove words like can and would from your vocabulary, you turn a question into a statement, and thus an instruction.
So for the above example, it becomes
- Drop into the laundry place tomorrow and pick up my dry cleaning or
- My dry cleaning is ready, make sure you fetch it for me tomorrow
If you need something to be done, make it a statement. Making it an instruction transfers to your submissive the thought process for a solution. Will he have to get up earlier to pick it up because of his late meeting. Maybe, that’s for him to figure out. He may not if it was an excuse.
Take the act of needing a coffee.
You are thirsty. You want a coffee. He isn’t doing anything. State you want a coffee strong. Let him go and do it, and then remark he makes good coffee. Simple.
Brevity – In general, an instruction needs to be brief and simple. You may decide you want some information beforehand to make a more informed decision, and that’s fine.
Have a conversation by all means, after all, in a female led relationship the submissive is also your partner, but when issuing instructions, brevity is best.
“So you’re free Sunday afternoon then? Excellent, I require my car cleaned inside and out. I want it spotless for my drive to work on Monday morning”.
Don’t explain or overexplain – Over explanation is something that either unconfident instructors do, of those who seek justification from others.
You are a mistress, so do not need to justify your desires or requirements.
So when you want something done that is within your purview, don’t weaken your positions and authority by overexplaining.
Avoid statements like;
“I was driving home today and noticed my car’s a bit untidy, it’s got a few bits of mess in it. No idea how it got to that stage, was it like that when you borrowed it? Anyway, I have some important meetings on Monday and want to make a good impression. An untidy car looks a bit bad don’t you think? Could you make sure it’s cleaner for me”
Just a simple
“I need my car uber clean for Monday meetings. Make sure you book some time off to sort that out on the weekend.”
As a mistress, you don’t need to rationalize anything. Conversations are fine but you do not need permission or acceptance from your submissive. You don’t need to explain the things you want.
You can if he asks, but the instruction shouldn’t be cluttered.
Quite a lot of the time just being brief and stating what you want or want done sounds assertive by itself.
Get A Messenger App
Modern life can be quite hectic. It’s not uncommon for any partnership, let alone a female led relationship to have both the male and female working in the household.
With hobbies, and such or evening activities away from the property you may not see each other for a while.
That’s before including people who work away from home a lot.
Thus “we are out of milk, get some on your way home”, becomes less of a polite question and more of a ‘make sure I stop and get some milk’ on the way home.
It’s handy for being out in public with friends, being away from one another, or if mistress doesn’t want a conversation about something but wants something done.
Consider Low Impact Punishments
Punishments can be a daunting business for the new mistress. Images of leather clad babes with electrical equipment and paddles can fill the mind.
If that’s a bit much for a new mistress then you can use low impact punishments.
These punishments are styled so that there is little input from the mistress, and they are not physical in nature. By which I mean the mistress will have to no direct harm to the submissive, so no caning or torture in order to punish the rule breaker.
That doesn’t mean they are less harsh, nor are they any less felt by the submissive, but they are a tool in the armory that often helps a new mistress.
By low impact punishments, we are talking about things like
- Standing in the room corner for 3 hours
- Extra weekly chores
- No speaking
- Removal of an Xbox or preferred toy
- Early bedtime
- A grounding so can’t go out with friends
They take up none of your time but are severely felt by the submissive for displeasing you.
If you are new to being a mistress and thinking about all the chores you want done, it’s often daunting to think I need to tell him each week to clean the bathroom.
Then if I want the garbage taken out I have to remind him otherwise it’s not an instruction etc.
That’’s not the case.
For repetitive, and tasks that need doing on a permanent basis, you can have something called ‘standing orders’.
These are instructions for your sub that he must perform each and every time specified by you.
They are unseen but orders that stand whether you speak the words or not. Thus, the submissive can clean the bathroom each week without you having to instruct him all the time.
Some examples of standing orders are
- The bathroom must be cleaned every weekend by Sunday 11pm
- We Are NEVER to run out of coffee. Keep an eye on the stock
- At 7.45 am I require a cup of filtered coffee before I go to work
- You will empty all pedal bins in the house and never let them overflow
- My car must be washed and valeted at least once a week
- Every night you will ask me if I require a foot rub
I’m sure you get the idea. Transfer the onus onto your submissive and get some standing orders done so that you don’t have to keep instructing them.
Tasks That Don’t Require Your Oversight / Attention
Early on it might be a good idea to get you submissive performing tasks, and receiving punishments that require as little of your time and attention as possible.
You don’t want to be standing guard or taking too much out of your day to get him doing tasks or receiving his much deserve displeasure from you.
You have to be there and expend effort.
Why not make a punishment for the submissive have as little impact on your life as possible. If he stands in the corner for an unspecified amount of time, you can carry on with your day.
Make His Rewards Your Pleasures
There’s nothing like a reward that is for you that really emphasizes your authority. Rewards are normally for the subject that deserves them and are associated with a hedonism for the participant.
As a mistress however you can subvert the ruling a little as he should be thinking of making sure you are happy, and as such his reward will be to make.
Some examples might be
- The bathroom is very clean, exceptional job. Run a scented bath for me and you can clean yourself in my bathwater afterward
- My car was very clean after the valet. Come here and give me a foot rub as a reward
- All your tasks were well done this week. As a reward, you can lick mistresses pussy till she comes.
I’m sure you get the idea again.
Don’t Try Too Hard
Finally, I’d say don’t try to overthink things are in the first week try to cram in as many things you want to explore as possible. Let things flow naturally.
Don’t allow yourself to cajoled into doing something you are unhappy with in the beginning. Stick to your own pace, and don’t let your submissive run the show. That would actually mean he is in control.
Don’t allow ‘well another mistress would’ or such comments to cloud your judgment. You are you, and as such he has to deal with it. Don’t let him run the show with guilt trips, or making you feel like you are the odd one out. It’s manipulative. Tell him that and make him stand in the corner for an evening.
Quite a lot of people associate authority and domination as the deliberate putting down of others. Weak dommes do that. Have a quiet authority rather than belittling yourself.
Admit in the early stages, perhaps the first year you will be growing in experience and not know absolutely every detail. He will have to deal with that, and that’s that.
With practice and humility, you can make yourself an exceptional domme, one that is both revered and has effortless authority at her command.
So learn as much as you can and have fun.
Trying to talk to your partner about the benefits of a female led relationship can be hard. Use this open letter to help or to prompt constructive dialogue.