Being a mistress comes with responsibilities. Whether you are in a true female led relationship as a lifestyle choice, or your man has just asked you to be a bit more assertive.
Maybe he has just asked you to try a little ‘gentle femdom’ and see how you like it.
Any google search brings up the word punishments, which places a whole new set of weights on your shoulder when dealing with your submissive man. Modern popular culture may have you thinking of whips and inflicting pain, but this is far from the truth.
The truth is probably a little more mundane, but you need to know why he might challenge you, how to interpret that and what you might decide to do with it.
In fact, I have written an article on how a submissive may subtly challenge the authority of mistress, here, if you’d like to check it out.
Within the confines of any gentle femdom relationship, or a true female led relationship chances are nearly 100% you will eventually run into this. You will encounter a situation whereby you either feel challenged or something you wanted done, wasn’t/
It’s an inevitable part of a relationship with a submissive man.
The question then becomes, how do you clarify your thoughts, organise them into such a way that you know what needs to be done.
You will encounter disobedience in its many forms.
So what should you do about it?
What Type Of Relationship Are You In
Regardless of your true partnership he has given you control. You are the authority, within confines, and he is your submissive.
As such, he is expecting commands from you and to satisfy your desires when you wish it so.
His submissiveness will mean he expects your assertiveness and applied correctly will be turned on by it.
With that said, there are some obvious things you might have to take into account, with respect to dealing with disobedience.
His hard limits MUSt be respected. To not do so will destroy trust in you and possibly do serious harm, so there can be no edging up to his hard limits.
If he hates the idea of public humiliation in a visceral sense, asking to wear a collar outside will provoke a response of disobedience. It’s hard to punish him for something he told you he wouldn’t do.
Understanding your relationship is key here. You simply must know his limits and truly things that repulse him.
Additionally, and along the same vane within a relationship the choices of rewards and punishments varies a great deal. Some men enjoy being sissified, or public humiliation.
If they enjoy an activity then it’s difficult to use it as a punishment. You might think him dressed as a sissy maid washing up is a punishment and funny, but to him it might be a turn on.
Understanding his rewards / punishments, and him knowing you know is key to dealing with disobedience.
Why Your Submissive May Test You
You may be thinking that all punishments for disobedience will revolve around either genuine mistakes or outright challenges, and you may well be right.
On the other hand there is a natural power dynamic in the natural works that revolves around finding natural boundaries and
Introduce a new dog to a pack and watch how it acts. It will try to dominante, particularly if male, and gradually it will find its place in the pecking order. After a while it will feel able to dominate some dogs, and feel subservient to the bigger more aggressive dogs.
It’s similar with humans. Often men will engage in acts of power play when meeting new people. Get a group of people together and people watch sometime.
It’s interesting to watch what type of personality tries to take control, see who challenges and how they are dealt with.
It works in many places, both socially and even at work.
It’s also completely normal in a new female led relationship. At the very beginning some ground rules will introduced, maybe chores dished out and you will be treating him more submissively in situations he has asked you to.
Don’t think as he has agreed to this he won’t try and see where your ‘buttons’ are and where you can be flexible, or he can try and manoeuvre around your authority.
There’s a good chance he will try it.
Don’t be under the illusion either, he knows exactly what he is doing. He is testing you.
As simple as that really, he is testing, in the early stages, your will and authority, so you will likely get into some minor acts of disobedience, and an excuse.
It might even be a good excuse. The trouble is, with better planning could he have not disobeyed you. Did he prioritize your order or wish respectfully enough.
Trust me, he will try it. And know he is trying it.
HE WILL EXPECT YOU TO PUNISH HIM
Yes, I know that sounds weird, but he is pushing a boundary and trying to test you. You simply must punish him when this happens. Some excuses, like getting into an accident are fine, but you should consider whether there were other opportunities for him to obey you.
His submissiveness requires that he has these boundaries, so you must be there to provide them.
The ‘i planned to do it on the way home and work overran’ is typical of the test and attitude. Could he have done it earlier? If it was important to you, why didn’t he get it done at the earliest opportunity, rather than waiting for you to be displeased.
It will probably happen when the female led relationship is new.
How else may he test you, you may ask?
Well, a few things might be;
- I had really bad headache today, I will do it tomorrow
- Sorry mistress, I just flat out forgot
- You asked me to do something else, and I had time for only one. I prioritized.
- I didn’t realize you wanted it done then, I thought i had more time
- Work was really bad today, I have been run off my feet, and had no time
- Work was hard today, i was flat out exhausted
- Your mother called and …… (misdirection – will provoke your attention elsewhere)
- I started it, but realized you wanted it done a different way, so….
- I so lost track of time today, when I got there they were closed
- I have done it, it looks OK doesn’t it (with chores like bathroom cleaning)
- My phone battery died, I didn’t see the request.
I think you get the idea, all reasonable maybe at face value, but the truth is, they are more than likely a small test as to how you deal with your wishes not being carried out.
How to deal with this comes later.
Make Sure He Understands His Role And Responsibilities
Eventually you will settle in to a relationship of authority on your part, and he will understand his role and what standards you require.
In the early stages though, you will need to be utterly clear on what he is to do, both in terms of daily chores, weekly chores and when requested to do something.
Well, I say request. When you tell him you want something done.
In most relationships, whether new or longer lasting, the female will naturally be more the head of the household. With a submissive male arrangement, a lot of his role will be fulfilling your needs to keep the house in order.
May sound boring, but the reality is true. Don’t worry, his submissiveness is truly satisfied with you giving your orders and mandates out in this regard.
However, he must be clear on what he needs to do. Not only in terms of what to do, but the standards you require.
‘Clean the bathroom’ sounds clear, but what should he clean, how and what standards are clean? What level of cleanliness satisfies you?
Some are spontaneous requests like ‘hold my handbag’ or ‘go and clean the dishes, the kitchen is filthy’ and they are pretty clear cut in the making.
Did he hesitate suggesting he thought about saying no though. Make sure you note it and tell him you thought he hesitated.
When he understands his role and responsibilities, it will make the sense of arbitrary punishments diminish. Arbitrary punishments are not good, they will not satisfy his submissive needs as he will feel confused.
Unless he likes occasionally being belittled randomly. Some do.
The reason for absolute clarity is that it is easier to determine when he has not fulfilled your wishes.
With such a transgression, your duty becomes much clearer. He will know he has ‘fouled up’ and be expecting a response from you.
Procrastination As An Authority Test
With normal chores and responsibilities, you normally have a clearly defined time limit.
Daily chores are simple enough, as are weekly tasks, like making sure the garbage is taken out and the bathroom is cleaned thoroughly once a week.
His chores should have a time limit, and he should know about it with regular household duties.
If you give him a week to mow the lawn, and he doesn’t do it for 5 days, planning to do it later and then it rains, you need to think about this.
Could he have done it earlier? Was it reasonable for him to wait? Did he have spare time earlier in the week when he could have done it, and is doing it on the 8th day acceptable.
He’s pushed a boundary, but does it sound reasonable?
In my opinion, no. He had ample time to do it, but chose to do it at the last minute. He could have done it earlier.
This is a pretty simple matter of him not understanding your wishes and authority. You gave him a task he could have completed, but he didn’t. He could have done it, but chose to wait, and thus failed.
If he had wished to he could have avoided the possibility of failure to deliver by changing his attitude.
As a result he must be punished for failure to deliver your request.
Occasionally you may get a response whereby he is trying to buy time.
Suppose you walk through the door and demand a coffee while you get out of wet clothes. You want to warm up, so you tell him to get you a coffee.
Suppose he replies, ‘hang on a sec, just in the middle of something.
A small test, but you should crush it immediately.
Say something like
- Not in a minute, NOW.
- My request did not come with a delay applied.
- What makes you think I want to wait
- Not looking for excuses, i meant immediately
You don’t need to reason out your argument, with WHY you want it. You are the mistress. He is your submissive.
Dealing With Early Power Challenges
As alluded to earlier, you most probably find that you will find a psychological ‘prod and test’ strategy happening to find out where you are weak, flexible or downright available to be manipulated.
I gave some examples, like;
- Not doing the chore quite well enough
- Not doing it timely enough
- Doing other things and complaining about time
Commonly though, you will get the ‘reasonable explanation’ excuse, or at least what he thinks are reasonable excuses.
- My battery dies while at work, I didn’t see your instruction
- Sorry mistress, I was really busy and just forgot I was doing (something you like)
- I thought you wanted x done first, i didn’t realize that was to be done by now
- I didn’t realize you wanted it done then, I thought i had more time
- Some sort of misdirection that you consider important
The problem with these types of excuses is that while they may sound reasonable they don’t take into account that they could have been avoided.
His battery dies? You are his mistress. He needs to keep power to his phone at all times so he can receive instructions?
Busy? Not good enough? Get up earlier or prioritize my demands above all other things.
Trying to confuse you with which you wanted first? Again, he could have done both, or he could have asked.
Using misdirection? He is trying to deceive you and deflect you, not obey you.
The simple fact is this, your requests are not optional, you are his mistress. He must alter his attitude to make sure you are obeyed.
To illustrate what I mean, suppose you let the ‘battery dies’ excuse rest, and don’t do anything. Well, next time he doesn’t want to do something, you will get the same excuse, a different twist maybe, like a long work phone call that depleted the battery, but you will get the excuse nonetheless.
He will feel that he is cheating your authority, and importantly a boost to his confidence about being able to manipulate you. For a submissive male, he will want to stand up to him, despite what he says.
His real solution is to carry a charger, a backup power bank, or keep his phone better charged, not for you to accept the lapse in his attitude.
Simply put he must alter his behaviour and the way he does things in order to make sure you have your wishes and desires satisfied.
DON’T put up with excuses that allow him to carry on the way he is operating. It is HIS duty to change and find solutions, not for you to be displeased.
How Should You Deal With These Power Challenges
So we have a situation whereby you think you might have received a test, or challenge.
Whether you have or not is a bit irrelevant, what matters is that you think there has been. Treat it as ‘if there is doubt, then there is no doubt’.
Firstly you need to be clear and firm with him.
Firmly tell him that you issued a request and it either wasn’t done, or you are not accepting the excuse.
Explain to him how he could have prevented it. With the earlier ‘my battery died’ excuse tell him
- It’s your job to make sure your phone is operational to receive instructions at all times
- You could have charged it at any time
- Get a power bank
- Have better battery management skills – charge in the car etc
Again to reiterate, it’s his job to alter his attitude to accommodate your wishes, not for you to be flexible.
Once you have explained your position, then you must inform him he will receive a punishment.
It doesn’t have to be immediate, but can be.
Once he knows you cannot be manipulated, and he has to make sure his tasks are done, then you will probably receive less challenges. His submissive test will have failed, but ultimately, he will fully satisfied with you as a mistress.
You are not compromising, and are unwilling to bend.
So for small tests, you may consider a few punishments. It’s obviously up to you to try and ascertain how much of a transgression it is, or how important the task was to you.
Punishments, normally come in in a few forms
- Performing unwanted tasks
- Being humiliated in some way
- Denial of a reward or pleasure
- Pain infliction
So for unwanted tasks consider
- Make him redo the task while carry a heavy backpack
- Clean things with a toothbrush, ie make the same task harder
- Give him several additional tasks
- The next time he does the task it will be done in female clothing
For humiliation you could try;
- Make him do a task in female clothing
- Send him to bed early
- Make him stand in the corner for an hour or two
- Make him consume his own ejaculate
To deny him rewards try
- Take his phone away for a day
- Take his tablet or gaming console away
- Deny him watching a football game
- Ground him for a day when he wants to go out
If you decide upon small pain infliction then try;
- Paddle his bottom
- Cane his bottom
- Smack his knuckles
- Chastity cage
So essentially the first time he doesn’t go and get milk as you asked, because his phone died, then then you can send him to go and get some now, while wearing a bra and panties underneath his clothing, so the task is done, and then make him stand in the corner for an hour when he gets back.
That way the task is performed and he has done it in a more humiliating way and his punishment was apparent for his transgression.
For minor transgressions, that is often a good way to deal with things. Get him to do the task immediately, in a slightly humiliating way, then a small punishment afterwards.
Genuine Mistakes and Deliberate Tests
This is essentially a judgement call you will have to make from time time.
The fact is we all make mistakes from time to time, genuine, didn’t know that would happen mistakes.
As Alexander pope foretold, ‘To err is to be human’.
Do you want to be the kind of mistress that accepts nothing but perfection? Up to you, but it may not work in the real world.
For some men they like that uncompromising attitude, but for most I would say, they don’t expect severe and harsh punishments for things that are either beyond their control or obvious mistakes, as long as there aren’t too many.
If you ask him to get some milk and he doesn’t because he was involved in a road traffic collision, it’d be pretty much common sense to ignore the fact that your request was not undertaken.
No easy way, you will have to decide on a case by case basis. Just don’t let the same thing happen again and again, as a flagrant violation of your requests.
Be careful also about mistakes or reasonable excuses that could have been prevented with foreplanning.
Earlier I gave the example of mowing the lawn. Imagine wanting a BBQ on sunday evening with friends, thus you inform your man he must mow the lawn by the following weekend in time for the party. He doesn’t do it that weekend, or through the week planning to do it the day before. On the day before it rains and makes mowing the lawn impractical and he can’t do it on Sunday, as that party day.
While it may look like an unfortunate event, it isn’t.
He had ample time to do it, but didn’t. The reason you have a slightly more untidy lawn when partying isn’t because of anything other than basic foreplanning and a mistake from him. He left it till the last minute and as such your order was not fulfilled.
That’s not an accident, or even unfortunate.
It’s his fault.
He did not adequately think about time planning and management of getting your request done.
As such, he should be chastised, and no excuses accepted, like the obvious one from him, that he had planned to do it, but couldn’t because of the weather.
You gave him ample time and it wasn’t done. The end.
Occasionally forgetfulness plays a genuine role in disobedience.
Like ’Oooh sorry I forgot the milk’. It doesn’t sound too bad, after all he can go and get another one later. However, he should not be forgetting your requests. If he can’t he should have an app on his phone to remind him.
It’s his job to come up with solutions to your requests. Forgetting things can be overcome with an appropriate tasking app on his phone.
Just consider getting him to walk to a store 2 miles away, take a photo that he is there buying the milk, and walk back again as an immediate reminder he has disobeyed you.
If it happens again, you will be standing in the corner for an hour, as well as walking further to a store.
To be honest my take on it is to in the early stages accept no small excuses. Once he has demonstrated that he normally satisfies your requests, then a minor infraction may be overlooked, but immediately remedied.
Occasionally he will clean the bathroom but forget to do a tap for example. No need to massively punish him but perhaps make him clean it with a toothbrush to remind him about your standards.
Reserve severe punishments, for true examples of disobedience.
Punishment Fits The Crime
When considering punishments for a transgression that you deem serious enough, a few thoughts ought to be obtained by you
They pertain to
Proportionality – Make the punishment fit the crime. If he forgets the milk on the way home, don’t ground him for a week. Likewise, if you severely embarasses you in public, don’t make him stand in the corner for 5 minutes.
Judging severity and then applying a punishment, humiliation or denial of a reward is a key skill. Have some standards that you apply. You are the mistress, judge what you consider minor and what you will not tolerate. Make sure he knows.
Fairness – Applying a fair set of standards is normally par for the course. While being punished he might not enjoy it, but he needs to know it’s within your parameters and secretly agree that you are being rational.
If he forgets milk because he is involved in a car crash, and you punish him severely then this undermines trust eventually, if not immediately.
Deciding what is fair is ultimately about your needs and whether he knew how important something was to you. If he knew something was important and failed, you are justified in more severe punishments.
Relatability – It’s often said ‘make the punishment fit the crime’. It works because it’s topical and can be slightly humorous as well.
If he is 5 minutes late for an appointment, make him text you the time every 10 minutes for the next 8 hours. Or carry a big clock around while performing a task.
If he was a bit too masculine and forthright in a public conversation, make him wear frilly panties at work the next day, or wash the dishes in a bra and garter belt.
You probably get the idea, make his punishment relatable in some way, as to the transgression that has occurred.
It can be quite funny if nothing else, and inject some levity into proceedings.
The Reward / Punishment Dynamic
Once you have decided he needs some form of response from you, whether minor or more serious there is a serious question you must answer.
How exactly to deal with the infringment.
How serious do you exactly consider the infringemnt?
Essentially you must make a choice as to dish out a spunishment, or deny him a pleasure.
Will you cane him? Or will you remove his xbox console? Which is more appropriate at the time.
Dealing With Genuine Mistakes
There is much trouble sometimes in distinguishing from genuine mistakes and reluctance, or forgetfulness.
If you decide that it was a genuine mistake, as normally the task is performed flawlessly, then there is probably no need for a punishment.
It was a genuine mistake.
However, it needs to be rectified immediately. Doing so reinforces your original request and applies standards to his submissiveness.
All the excuses, from my phone died to I was busy because your mother phoned are great, but the fact is that you believe it was a genuine mistake but the task wasn’t done.
Immediately what you requested needs to be done. Get him to do it then and there, before anything else.
This nicely reinforces your orders.
If he forgets the milk when he gets home, then he needs to go out and get some immediately.
If he forgot a household chore, again which you believe was genuine, then he needs to do it the moment he has the chance. Before anything else.
Punishments are for transgressions, genuine mistakes can be overcome with an immediate attendance to your request.
Do Not Allow Excuses
Not accepting excuses from him forces him to evaluate how he performs and thinks about tasks.
Take the earlier mowing the lawn example. Rather than allowing the excuse, he must be punished, and this forces him to think about how to perform better in the future.
Making him stand in the corner is good for asking him to reflect on how he could have avoided the punishment.
When he has done it for a few hours, ask him how he intends to stop the same result from happening again. He should come up with some way of evaluating how to perform better.
Apart from genuine mistakes, think of excuses as small tests of your authority. Don’t let him get away with it.
Dealing With Power Tests Or Outright Challenges To Your Authority
Forgetfulness, mistakes and the occasional transgression are one thing, but there are more severe transgressions that cannot be accepted.
If he forgets milk, or doesn’t take the garbage out you may deem these small and minor and punish him in some small way by way of punishment.
There are slightly more severe acts he can perform where the punishment should be harder. Forgetting your birthday maybe as an example or not getting the tax forms done on time.
These are more serious in nature, but in essence they aren’t challenges to your superiority.
All that happens is that you apply a more formidable punishment, like 2 weeks grounded, denial of going to a baseball game or 25 lashes of the cane.
You are the mistress. Your words, requests and orders are not to be challenged in any way.
Like a law system you must deal with this in an appropriate manner. Punishments in law come in the form of charges, trial, judgement, and punishment.
It probably helps to deal with in a similar way
Outright challenges are things like;
- Talking over you in public
- Being told not to do something and doing it anyway
- Breaking your rules (like going to a football game when grounded)
- Not performing a task, despite ample time and reminders
- Disrespecting you
The fact is, none of those can be classified as a mistake, or a small error.
They are outright, blatant and fully informed transgression of your authority. It may be a test from him to see what he can get away with, but the truth is it doesn’t matter.
He must be punished.
In general it comes in the following format
Charge – At the earliest opportunity, you need to tell him to be quiet and listen. You need to clearly outline what you think he did wrong, that he disrespectfully disobeyed you. Explain how you were expecting him to act and how he did act. Then say you see this as a severe problem for his attitude, and that you want his best explanation.
Explanation – Get him to make his case, maybe there was a valid reason which you need to consider.
Judgement – Make your judgement based upon what you experienced and his reason. His reason needs to be exceptional if he has challenged you or disobeyed you. Tell him your judgement, you don’t accept his excuse and that you will now consider an appropriate punishment.
Punishment – Take some time on this one and don’t tell him the punishment in the heat of a moment. This is the time though to apply your most severe punishments. Sit him down and tell him what you have decided for his crime.
- A severe spanking that will bring pain, even tears to his eyes
- Denial of a material good for a long time, months even
- A severe grounding from seeing his friends for a long time
Maybe even add some small tasks into the mix as well. Getting him to text ‘I will NEVER EVER disrespect mistress again’ in the morning, afternoon, and evening for every day of his punishment will remind him of the punishment.
You could even add some severe humiliation for the duration as well.
Suppose you have a secret signal while in public, that only he will pick up. At a party, you flash the secret signal that he is over talking over you and he is to be quiet and let you speak while in this company of people. He does for a bit and then resumes as he did before. You flash the signal again, which he notices but he is still talking over you. You flash the secret signal that he is to slow down on drinking as he is starting to make a fool of himself. He doesn’t and embarrasses you and himself that evening.
Those aren’t mistakes or minor lapses. He has disobeyed your authority, and worse, made a spectacle of himself. You are displeased as your wishes were not immediately acted upon.
As such, this company of people might think slightly less of you.
He has disrespected you, disobeyed you several times in a challenge to your authority. There is no reason he can give that will satisfy you, but you should at least give him the chance.
The punishment should be severe, possibly as alluded to earlier with added humiliation.
Punishments can be a mix;
- You could decide ASAP to severely cane him until he is severely in pain, then do 5 more
- He talked over you so every evening for 2 weeks he will put his hand up to talk to you. No talking without permission
- Sex denial for him for a month
- Grounding for 1 month from going out with friends
- For 2 weeks he will have his evening meal cut up and will eat it from a dog bowl
Will he overtalk you again?
Judgement, that’s what it’s all about.
Remember, part of your man’s submissiveness is giving you the authority to apply rules of behaviour and standards of conduct from him.
He will test them.
He will know he is testing them.
He will expect some sort of punishment, and is seeing if you have the mettle to do it.
His submissive nature requires that you punish him for transgressions from minor to major. He expects them, and performing them, even the painful ones will satisfy that submissive nature within him.
You may even decide that hesitation is a form of disobedience, as he isn’t automatically conducting your requests.
Disobedience from him is basically a judgement call.
Decide what you are going to do, have standards and ruthlessly apply them should the need arise.
Trying to talk to your partner about the benefits of a female led relationship can be hard. Use this open letter to help or to prompt constructive dialogue.
It is not a matter of being ruthless, my lady friend is not ruthless, she is wise. She understands that my canings have been an element in my progress in beating bad habits. I am a perfectly sensible intelligent male, but being pushed our of my comfort zone is good for me. I have a desire to be spanked, but some of her tools are awful. I would never willingly accept the delrin cane. But with her guidance I have found out is good for me, and she makes me announce that I readily wish for it because she says it is good for me. That is the essence, to submit to her opinion even if it hurts me. And the speech she made me give welcoming her close friend to watch my session… it was impossible but I did it.