As if being introduced to gentle femdom and a female led relationship wasn’t complicated enough for a new mistress to settle into, then there is also the added complication of working out the psychology of a submissive.
A female led relationship or any form of gentle femdom isn’t quite like a BDSM roleplay or secret dominatrix styled activities.
Visiting a BDSM madam is radically different from the more prolonged form of gentle femdom with a familiar partner. Typically a BDSM madam will dole out pain or punishment as the sub desires and then tease out an orgasm for the end of play, all while playing the part of a ruthless dominatrix.
A woman in a female led relationship will actually care for her partner and may have difficulty understanding what her male submissive may want from the relationship.
Some of it even sounds counter intuitive. And a new mistress may ask herself what exactly she should be to fully stimulate the submissive.
A newbie mistress will not want to actually damage her partner, so it’s an important consideration, and the knowledge of what he may actually want, even though it seems irregular must be learned.
So, what exactly might a submissive man want from you in a female led relationship? Let’s take a look.
Unyielding – This doesn’t mean uncompromising or overly demanding. There is no need to go for a ‘my way or the high way’ approach, which will probably just leave him frustrated.
Additionally, there’s no need to be overbearing.
What it does mean is that once you have decided what YOU DO WANT, is that you are not cajoled out of your instruction.
Simply put, he will not want you to give in if there is not a legitimate reason to do so. He can offer excuses to you, sound wounded, guilt trip you, or whatever.
IT’S A TEST
The problem is that a lot of them can sound reasonable to a new mistress, especially if you have a relationship history with your new submissive.
Let’s say you want your sub to collect something from a shop near town, and you tell him bluntly
- The new issue of X magazine is out, it’s only sold at shop Y, make sure I have it for tomorrow night.
You could indeed get a litany of testing excuses.
- Honey, I might have a meeting overrun tomorrow
The thing is by letting him frame the argument you have given in, and in a small way, he is controlling you.
He could get up earlier. What time does the shop open? Could he ring them? Pay for a delivery? Get someone else to collect it, or even, is he exaggerating the meeting excuse actually collect it himself.
Maybe the shop would leave it with another shop for you to collect later.
It’s not your job to validate his framing, but his job to find solutions, within all practical considerations of course.
I only offer the above as an example of what I mean.
The key is not to give in and let him dictate the flow. Be unyielding if you truly require something.
Psychologically he is looking for someone to stand up to him, and call BS on his excuses.
Firm but fair – I realise this is a far cry from the leather clad image of a worshipped dominatrix whipping a submissive for minor infractions but that’s the point.
While it is OK for fun and a bit of kink, it’s unrealistic to expect that as a 100% style of being a mistress, and if you are in a female led relationship will quickly become tiresome for both of you.
Yes punishment is a big part of femdom but it has to be proportional and appropriate. For the submissive there has to be a sense of deserved punishment.
A submissive man is unlikely to want to be grounded for a month for forgetting the milk that you asked him to get. He would consider it over the top.
Very harsh punishments like grounding, severe spankings and the like should be performed for serious breaches of protocol, and you need to match the punishments appropriate.
Additionally if he is doing all the chores and you are doing none at all, that can also tire quickly in a serious relationship that is meant to be for partners.
All this is to sat that consider a balance and appropriate punishments. For small forgetful acts maybe a small humiliation or a few hours standing in the corner, but apply good judgement and make sure he adheres to the rules you are laying down, firmly, but fairly.
Punishment for infraction – Oddly, he will actually want you to punish him.
It sounds contradictory I know, but he will actually want the punishment if he really knows he has crossed a line, or done something wrong.
The reason isn’t that he likes a punishment, he doesn’t.
What he does like however, is the knowledge that you have acknowledged he has done something wrong and you are putting your foot down with a decision.
He may complain like hell, but afterwards he will be very satisfied that your authority was adhered to.
You are enforcing rules that he has broken.
You should consider having standards that he adheres to and has to do correctly. Not just do with little effort. If the bathroom has to be clean then he must do it properly. If he doesn’t he can do extra chores or you can make him redo it, with a small punishment afterwards.
Whatever it is, don’t let standards slip, or allow excuses.
Being selfish – This is when the mistress gives herself permission to only think about her own pleasures and desires, even in a female led relationship, not just a traditional BDSM environment where it may be more of a given.
The submissives effort, or discomfort is not considered but only what the hedonism of the mistress requires.
Again, oddly he will enjoy you behaving like this.
It makes him feel very submissive, as if his being is distilled down just to pleasing you, it makes things simple for him.
So occasionally make him run around to get a luxury bath bomb, some wine you love, run the bath, wash your clothes while you relax in scented perfection so he can wait on another glass of wine, and some foodstuffs, and then you can call him to hold towels and dress you.
Use him as a butler of an occasion and don’t feel embarrassed about it. It emphasizes your authority and his submissiveness.
Naturally dominant – While some people have a naturally more dominant demeanor than others, appearing confident is something that will come the more you practice and actually ‘feel’ the effects of a submissive male doing as you demand.
You can even YouTube it and learn a few tricks.
It starts with self confidence about their authority though, but being direct and determined will usually make a man subdue to your commands.
As a femdom mistress you have the authority to take decisions that are in the best interests of the both of you.
Push boundaries – While there are hard limits that must be respected, like say nudity in public, or anything that may be deemed self harm, there are also many broad areas of femdom activities where the limit is not known.
He may wish to be pushed in certain areas and be too embarrassed to ask, and being forced resolves the submissive of responsibility for deciding.
Feminization is a good example of this, where men may enjoy being forced by their mistress to get into womens sexy clothing, but he may not like to mention it, so he will say that it is a boundary you can push.
So give yourself some room to push any ‘boundary’ that he has mentioned. He may well end up enjoying you forcing him.
Not to mention as a kink it can be a wicked tease.
Imagine as a small punishment making him wash the dishes in just some silky panties, and then while he is washing them you can run your fingers around him, and tease him mercilessly.
If he gets erect, you can further tease, saying “ I think you like being dressed as a girlie, maybe I should make you my lesbian lover”
That way you can add extra items of female clothing and really push those boundaries.
Outside-the-box attitude – Within a female led relationship a mistress might fall into the trap of just using the submissive for chores and keeping the house clean.
It’s good to keep an out of the box attitude and exercise your authority over a broader net. Come up with unique and interesting chores, tasks, and errands. Make him surprise you with something one day, or request something out of the ordinary.
He will enjoy the variety, it keeps things curious and exciting.
Spontaneity – While some forms of femdom can become a routine, with daily tasks, weekly tasks and expected chores it is imperative you think more spontaneously on occasion.
Femdom for many is a 100% thing obviously, and there are varying grades of accepted submissiveness.
Keeping it fresh, fun and exciting is always important, indeed for both of you.
So get him washing up naked, going out for a paper in a long coat with female clothing on, or crawling across the floor saying “mistress, may I give you cunnilingus” in a spontaneous manner.
It adds spice, when you make different twists.
Again, despite any protestations from him at the time, or body language telling you he doesn’t want to do it, he will ultimately enjoy you exercising your authority for non essential taskings.
Determination – This could also be said as stay focused. When you are beginning a female led relationship it can be difficult to settle into the role, and work out how much effort being a mistress should be afforded.
Sometimes you will just relax and not think about it too heavily. That’s fine. Find whatever works for you, but essentially you should always have ‘one eye open’ to him abusing your relaxation.
So if you are relaxing, and haven’t been a ‘mistress’ to him for a while, and you require something, even something as simple as a coffee, don’t let him, say something like “I’m enjoying the cuddle” or something to test your determination.
Stay the course, and more curtly ask for the coffee, or whatever it is you want.
Ultimately, he will like that you always have an eye on authority and he can’t manipulate you into relaxing your guard.
Proactivity – It’s not necessary for a new mistress to wait until events occur naturally before getting in any mistress practice for the situation.
I’d advise not doing everything all at once but, if you fancy some cane practice, then just tell him you need that naked ass on the couch ASAP so you can keep your skills up.
Don’t just stick to tried, and dull behaviour. It may be good, if he doesn’t mind punishments to actually practice on him. If you buy a new piece of equipment it needs trying out, don’t want until you need it, practice and practice, and use your submissive accordingly.
Or try out new activities as you desire.
Trust me, he will enjoy it in a more reflective manner.
Small kinks – Small kinks can be the greatest spice of a female led relationship, and they are a great place to exercise authority and let him be more submissive.
Quite often you get eager compliance as well, especially if they are sexually suggestive, and you have teased or wound him up.
As a submissive, only ever cleaning the bathroom makes it a little dull, for both of you, so as you are in a female led relationship, and not some short term BDSM session you can break out the authority into small kinks and humiliations.
So get him wearing sexy underwear, sleeping in negligees, crawling across the floor to suck your strapon, wearing suspenders to a cinema or holding a vibrator for you as you masturbate.
He will love both the spice, and your authority as one.
Sexually dominant – Taking it a step further from kink, he will love a more dominant and sexually selfish mistress.
Not just during the sex but also initiating it.
Not that it has to be you being dominant all the time, give yourself some freedom in this area, but if he is submissive and needs you authority, then it definitely transfers to the sexual arena.
So go for it, and use your imagination, but take him when you feel like it, and control his actions when you desire it.
Say you want to try pegging if you like, he may enjoy it.
Sex toy – This is a bit different from being sexually dominant, but treats the submissive as just a toy rather than a partner for sex.
When you use him as a toy it is the ultimate in submissiveness for him, and is incredibly therapeutic for that reason.
Men are much more used to and are expected to be bolder with sex, and women are expected to be submissive to the male.
By making him a sexual toy for your pleasure he becomes ‘just a lump of meat’ that the mistress can order around.
It involves using him for your sexual pleasure, but NOT returning the favor.
If it helps think of him as a prostitute or a disposable toy and pleasure for your wanton need for some hedonism.
So make him give you oral before casting him off, or telling him to lie down while you ride him to orgasm, without taking regard to his pleasure. Make him give you a massage, take the time for foreplay and then afterwards just send him to the bathroom to jerk off.
Again, he will feel really submissive in retrospect if not in the moment, and this is what he truly desires.
Obedience makes him satisfied – For a new mistress it can be quite something to learn that your submissive will want to obey your orders.
He will indeed test, cajole, guilt trip, and try and weedle out of things. He will offer excuses, some even sound reasonable until you realize you can put the onus back on him to find a solution.
He will find some peace in taking your orders and tasks, so train him to be how you want him to be, that is how to improve him.
A submissive will not question your orders, but may ask for clarification or try to understand your preferences.
So it’s a good thing to understand that you wanting things done and him having no authority to question it, makes life simple for him and as such there is a deep satisfaction within him.
Occasional deference – Occasionally it makes sense to make him verbally acknowledge your authority be addressing you improperly.
It’s different for him than usual greetings but shows you see yourself easily in that position and aren’t afraid to acknowledge it.
Having him greet you at the door with Good evening ma’am or mistress is a great way to force the issue of his submissiveness into him.
What differentiates a mistress in a female led relationship than BDSM dominatrix available for hire is the psychological component, not just in the short term but the deep satisfaction many submissive men feel to the dominant woman.
A gentle femdom mistress does not walk around the house permanently in leather barking orders, but relies on her femine wiles and authority.
It’s a responsible position, one that I truly hope you are happy to grow into.
You don’t always have to be in ‘mistress mode’, you need your own relief, but when you issue an instruction your submissive should follow them without any reluctance or hesitation, just a polite, “yes mistress” and go about his task.
By consensual agreement you can exercise your authority within any domain, so you should try and make it fun, exciting and interesting for all parties. Yes, there are many dull chores and tasks, but not everything has to be like that.
Feel free to spice it up, knowing what he truly desires.
In many ways you have to be dominant and demanding, in order for his submissiveness to be real. Confront him if he has either displeased you, interrupted you, or his work was not of satisfactory quality.
Behave like a boss, firm, fair but not to be trifled with or argued with.
Occasionally give yourself license to be selfish and a ‘bit of a bitch’. Your submissive will truly love this side of you in his moments for reflection.
Don’t be afraid to command. Embrace it.
Trying to talk to your partner about the benefits of a female led relationship can be hard. Use this open letter to help or to prompt constructive dialogue.
It sounds like all FLRs are about is kink. I don’t see anything here for the “vanilla” male who just wants to give his girlfriend a little more confidence.